HOW TO WRITE OUT A CHARACTER
by team deadfish
Summary: IT'S ABOUT SPECIAL FRIEND WARS AND DELICIOUS TEA. WARNINGS ARE DUMB CAPSLOCK HUMOR/GRAMMAR/NONCANON NAMES, OOC BUT TRUE, SPOILERS EP 80
1. THE PROLOGUE

"HOW TO WRITE OUT A CHARACTER" BY TEAM DEADFISH

_AFTER THE DARK SIGNER ARC, __KIRYU - OR RATHER __KILLYOU IS SAID TO HAVE GONE ON A "TRIP" ACCORDING TO LUCA. _

_ONE EVENING DURING THE 80S (EPISODES) HE RETURNED._

"HEY GUYS" SAID KILLYOU, STEPPING INTO THE BIKESHED. "I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY TRIP. WAS IT GOOD? SURE IT WAS A GOOD I MEAN IT WAS A TRIP. YOUSAY YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO ON A TRIP. WITH ME."

"WAIT" SAID KILLYOU, POINTING AT BRUNO. "WHO'S THE BLUE HAIRED GUY, I THOUGHT I WAS THE BLUE HAIRED-"

"OH MY GOD." SAID KILLYOU.

"OH"

"MY"

"GOD"

"YEAH, SO KILLYOU'S GONE ON ANOTHER TRIP." SAID LUCA, SOME TIME LATER.


	2. THE TEXT MESSAGE

ONE DAY YOUSAY RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE FROM KILLYOU WHO WAS ON HIS TRIP, IT SAID:

_YOUSAY, HI. SKY IS VERY BLUE WHERE I AM. REMINDED ME OF THE FACT THAT YOU REPLACED ME AS THE BLUE HAIRED GUY IN THE TEAM. WHY xxx_

KILLYOU REGRETTED THE X'S, MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT ANY X'S - BUT THEN WAS SURPRISED WHEN HE WAS INSTANTLY TXTED BACK

_YOU ARE NOT THE RIGHT SHADE OF BLUE. NOT A SKY SHADE OF BLUE ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOY UR TRIP x_

IT LOOKED LIKE KILLYOU'S TRIP WAS GOING TO LAST A LONG TIME.


	3. THE BLOG

KILLYOU DECIDED TO WRITE A BLOG ABOUT HIS TRIP.

IT WAS CALLED "KILLYOU'S BLOG".

BRUNO FOUND KILLYOU'S BLOG WHILST SEARCHING FOR BLUE-HAIRED PEOPLE AND DEAD FISH ON GOOGLE.

HE AT ONCE ALERTED YOUSAY AND YOUSAY SAT DOWN AT THE COMPUTER DESK.

YOUSAY SIGNED INTO HIS OPEN ID, "NICECRAB" AND POSTED A COMMENT:

_HI KILLYOU,  
ME AND BRUNO WERE CHECKING OUT YOUR SITE ABOUT YOUR TRIP. GOOD STUFF. ME AND BRUNO ARE GOING TO WORK ON OUR BIKES TODAY, WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER WORKING TOGETHER ON OUR BIKES, AND ALSO RIDING THEM AND STUFF. GLAD YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME. x_

KILLYOU OFTEN WONDERED IF THIS TRIP WAS A GOOD IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE.


	4. THE POSTCARD

ONE DAY CROW WAS SWEEPING THE FLOOR, AS THAT WAS HIS SPECIAL SKILL, AND NOTICED A POSTCARD ON THE FLOOR. POSTCARDS DON'T MAKE A SOUND WHEN THE MAILMAN POSTS THEM THROUGH THE LETTERBOX, SO IT WAS UNNOTICED.

IT WAS FROM KILLYOU, WHO WAS STILL ON HIS TRIP.

ON THE FRONT OF THE POSTCARD WAS A PICTURE OF KILLYOU, ON A BEACH, HOLDING A CRAB.

CROW THOUGHT THE IMAGE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN INTENTIONAL, BUT HIS BRAIN WAS SHAKY FROM SWEEPING THE FLOOR.

ANYWAY HE GAVE THE POSTCARD TO YOUSAY TO READ BECAUSE HE COULDN'T. NOT EVERYONE HAD A KICKASS SCIENTIST DAD AND HOT MOM LIKE YOUSAY.

YOUSAY READ THE LETTER OUT LOUD, IT SAID:

_DEAR YOUSAY, THE OTHERS, AND THAT OTHER ONE._

_I AM STILL ON MY TRIP. I WAS THINKING ABOUT COMING HOME BUT, AS YOU HAVE REPLACED ME WITH THAT OTHER ONE I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS A GOOD IDEA. ANYWAY HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME AND A CRAB ENJOYING EACHOTHER'S COMPANY- WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUSAY. KILLYOU xxx_

_  
_  
"THAT'S NICE" SAID CROW.

YOUSAY NODDED AND UNDERLINED THE ADDRESS, WRITING:

_RETURN TO SENDER: YOU SHOULDN'T CATCH CRABS UNLESS YOU PLAN TO EAT THEM. CROW SENDS HIS WISHES x_

  
WHEN KILLYOU GOT HIS POSTCARD BACK, HE ATE THE CRAB.


	5. THE CRAB

CROW WAS CONCERNED ABOUT JACK. HE HAD NOT BEEN IN THE BIKER SHED FOR A FEW DAYS AND THE BILLS FOR HIS DRY CLEANING WERE SUDDENLY BEING DIRECT DEBITED FROM CROW'S BANK ACCOUNT.

HE DECIDED TO TALK TO YOUSAY ABOUT IT, BUT YOUSAY JUST NODDED BECAUSE TALKING IS NOT HIS SPECIAL SKILL.

BRUNO, INSTEAD, BEING PERFECT, STEPPED IN ON YOUSAY'S BEHALF TO EXPLAIN.

"CROW, I KNOW JACK IS PART OF OUR TEAM, BUT YELLOW IS A COLOUR THAT NEEDS TO BE FREE FROM TIME TO TIME. LIKE PIKACHU NEEDS TO BE FREE FROM ASH FROM TIME TO TIME."

YOUSAY AND CROW FELL SILENT -

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" SAID CROW.

"I JUST MEAN WE SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD ON JACK-" SAID BRUNO.

"NO, NOT ABOUT THAT, ABOUT THE ASH AND PIKACHU - ARE YOU SAYING YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING THE POKEMON TCG?"

YOUSAY STOOD UP, OBVIOUSLY VERY UPSET AND HURT JUDGING BY THE WAY HIS CRAB HAIR COVERED HIS EYES AND FLED FROM THE ROOM, WITH A DRAMATIC SPEEDLINE-FILLED STILL SHOT.

"WELL, YOUR EXPLANATION WORKED AT LEAST" SAID CROW "I DON'T THINK JACK IS THE PROBLEM AROUND HERE ANYMORE."

---

MEANWHILE, IN THE TEA PLACE, JACK WAS DRINKING TEA, BECAUSE TEA IS GOOD AND SOPHISTICATED AND THE GIRLS THINK IT'S HOT EVEN THOUGH JACK WOULD NOT THINK SUCH THINGS.

SUDDENLY CARLY WAS THERE. SHE LOOKED LIKE THE BABY OF A SWALLOW AND AN OWL, JACK THOUGHT.

"JACK, I HAVE NEWS ON A MYSTERY I'VE BEEN KIND OF LOOKING AT OKAY I WAS OBSESSIVELY RESEARCHING IT - BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS IT'S DONE."

JACK SIPPED HIS TEA. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST SIT DOWN AND DRINK TEA TOGETHER WHY DID IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE-

CARLY HAD PUT A POSTCARD IN FRONT OF HIM - IT WAS A POSTCARD OF KILLYOU, WITH A CRAB.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?" CARLY SAID

JACK SIPPED HIS TEA. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN WHY COULDN'T KILLYOU JUST STAY ON HIS GODDAMN TRIP AND WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO OBVIOUS WITH THE WHOLE CRAB THING.

"ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH, THIS CRAB IS THE LAST LIVING DESCENDANT OF AN ATLANTEAN KING - I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I READ IT ON THE INTERNET. SO LIKE, CAN YOU GIVE ME KILLYOU'S NUMBER?"

JACK SIPPED HIS TEA.

HE SIPPED HIS TEA, _SLOWLY._


	6. THE NUMBER

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T HELP ME? YOU USED TO ROLL WITH THE GUY, SURELY YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS."

"HE IS ON A TRIP. THAT'S ALL I KNOW. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING MORE."

"BUT HERE! RIGHT HERE. THE RETURN ADDRESS. SOMEONE'S EVEN UNDERLINED IT AND WROTE _"CROW SENDS HIS WISHES"_ AND EVERYTHING. YOU CANNOT TELL ME YOU GUYS AREN'T CONTACT."

JACK WASN'T LYING - THIS WAS ALL NEW TO HIM. HE'D BEEN AWAY FROM THE BIKESHED FOR A FEW DAYS NOW AND HAD NO IDEA KILLYOU HAD SENT ANY SUCH POSTCARD. OR MAYBE HE HAD CALLED? WHAT IF HE HAD CALLED ON THE PHONE AND WANTED TO TALK TO HIM? I MEAN HE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON THERE AND DID HAVE THE MOST INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY. THIS WAS AWFUL NEWS.

" LET'S GO TO THE BIKE SHED." HE SAID, STANDING UP.

CARLY JUMPED UP AND DOWN BECAUSE IT IS A REACTION. "SWEET, THANK YOU SO MUCH JACK. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE THINKING JUST NOW BUT IF IT'LL GET ME HIS NUMBER THEN-"

"WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER MAN'S NUMBER?"

"WHAT? NO I WAS SAYING- WAIT YOU WEREN'T LISTENING"

"NO I WASN'T"

JACK WASN'T LYING.

--

ONCE THEY REACHED THE BIKE SHED THERE WAS A NEW SIGN "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED :( "

"DID AKI AND YOUSAY HAVE A FIGHT OR SOMETHING?" JACK ACCIDENTALLY SAID OUT LOUD BECAUSE HIS INNER MONOLOGUE FAILED.

CARLY SADDENED. "THAT'S TERRIBLE. AM I NOT ALLOWED IN? THIS IS TERRIBLE. I CAN'T GO IN."

JACK DRAGGED HER INTO THE BIKESHED AS SHE SAID THIS. INSIDE, CROW AND BRUNO WERE CROUCHED BY A DOOR.

"OH, JACK. IT'S YOUSAY. HE WON'T COME OUT OF HIS ROOM. IT'S MY FAULT." BRUNO SAID, "I EVEN TOLD HIM WE WERE GOING TO WORK ON OUR BIKES AND STUFF AND HE STILL WON'T COME OUT."

"BUT YOUSAY LOVES TO WORK ON HIS BIKES AND STUFF" CARLY CHIRPED, IT'S COMMON WIKIPEDIA KNOWLEDGE.

JACK WAS ANGRY "SO JACK ATLAS LEAVES FOR HALF AN HOUR-"

"4 DAYS" SAID CROW.

"- 4 DAYS AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. I WILL FIX THIS. LEAVE IT TO ME."

CARLY COOED, JACK THOUGHT SHE LOOKED LIKE THE BABY OF A PIGEON AND AN OWL.


	7. THE PHONECALL

"YOUSAY, I, JACK ATLAS, HAVE RETURNED TO THIS BIKE SHED. NOW GET THE HELL OUT."

THERE WAS SILENCE.

"I THINK THE SILENCE MEANS LIKE, STUFF." CROW SAID

"WHAT? WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO LISTEN TO ME? HELL, WHY DOESN'T KILLYOU WANT TO TALK TO ME. THIS SUCKS **REAL BAD**." JACK SAID ABSENTMINDEDLY.

"OH!" CARLY PIPED UP "IF THAT'S THE PROBLEMI'LL TALK TO YOU JACK."

"SURE. WAIT, NO WE ALREADY HAVE A GOOD SPEAKING RELATIONSHIP" _PARROT AND OWL BABY_ HE MENTALLY ADDED.

CARLY SEEMED TO BLUSH AND RUN BEHIND THE TABLE SOMEWHERE WE DON'T KNOW, WE WERE MORE CONCERNED WITH THE TELEPHONE RINGING.

"IT'S THE PHONE" SAID CROW BUT BRUNO HAD ALREADY PICKED IT UP BECAUSE THINGS WERE MOVING SLOW.

"HELLO? YES? YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUSAY YOU SAY? I SEE." HE COVERS THE PHONE "SO THIS GUY WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOUSAY, HE SAYS HIS NAME IS KILLYOU-"

BUT YOUSAY WAS ALREADY OUT OF THE LOCKED DOOR AND HAD GRABBED THE PHONE. HE STARED SERIOUSLY INTO IT BECAUSE SPEAKING WAS NOT HIS SPECIAL ABILITY.

"YOUSAY? YOUSAY ARE YOU THERE? ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?" KILLYOU SAID.

"HE'S NODDING EACH TIME" CROW SAID, LOUDLY ENOUGH

ACTUALLY WE DO WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CARLY AND THE TABLE NOW. CARLY HAD BEEN GUSHING BECAUSE JACK SAID RELATIONSHIP, SHE COULD AFFORD TO IGNORE THE SPEAKING PART SPEAKING WAS JUST A FACT OF LIFE RIGHT? BUT RELATIONSHIPS. NOW RELATIONSHIPS WERE DIFFERENT. ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT KETTLE OF DEAD FI- DID THEY SAY KILLYOU WAS ON THE PHONE??

CARLY GRABBED THE PHONE JUST AS KILLYOU WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK TO YOUSAY AND HEARD EVERYTHING.

SHE

HEARD.

EVERYTHING.

"OH. I DON'T THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO HEAR ANY OF THAT." CARLY SAID SLOWLY.

"NO." SAID KILLYOU, SOUNDING DISTURBED "NO I DON'T THINK YOU WERE."

"NEVER MIND," CARLY SAID "TELL ME KILLYOU, DO YOU STILL HAVE THE CRAB THAT WAS IN THE POSTCARD PHOTO?"

"NO I TOTALLY ATE HIM AND THEN SENT THE POSTCARD OUT TO SEA ALONG WITH MY FEELINGS FOR MY OLD TEAM BUT THEN THIS TRIP - THE TRIP MADE ME REALISE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR SO I CALLED TO TELL YOUSAY -------- WAIT HOW THE HELL DID YOU SEE THE POSTCARD I THREW IT INTO THE GODDAMNED _SEA._"

"I HAVE MY WAYS. AND MY GLASSES,. AND STUFF. WAIT, YOU JUST _ATE_ THE DESCENDANT OF THE ATLANTEAN KING!?!?!"

"DID I? SORRY, KINGS KIND OF LIKE TO DIE IN THIS SERIES ANYWAY. THEY ALWAYS COME BACK THOUGH, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND HIS SOUL OR SOMETHING. I HEARD A LEGEND ABOUT AN EGYPTIAN KING WHO DID THAT TO SOME POOR WEEABOO KID. IT WAS A HORROR FILM I THINK. ANYWAY IS YOUSAY THERE? I MUST TELL HIM MY FEELINGS – IT'S KIND OF THE WHOLE POINT OF MY PHONECALL."

LITTLE DID KILLYOU KNOW, HIS CHANCE TO WIN BACK YOUSAY'S SPECIAL BIKE FRIENDSHIP HAD BEEN LOST. WHILST TALKING TO CARLY, BRUNO HAD CONFESSED TO YOUSAY IT HAD ONLY BEEN ONE OR TWO POKEMON MOVIES AND THAT HE REALLY LIKED THE POKEMON KRABBY AND THE EPS WHERE HE EVOLVED INTO KINGLER AND THEN THEY WERE BACK ON THE COMPUTER TOGETHER IN NO TIME.

"OH" CARLY SAID "HEY YOUSAY, KILLYOU WANTS TO FINISH TALKING WITH YOU."

"I'M HAVING A SERIOUS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW." YOUSAY SAID AND RETURNED TO HACKING THINGS WITH BRUNO.

JACK STAMPED HIS FOOT "HE ALWAYS SAYS THAT! NOW I REMEMBER WHY I NEVER COME BACK HERE - NO ONE APPRECIATES ME."

CARLY SLAPPED HER HANDS LIKE AN AUTHORITY FIGURE "JACK ENOUGH OF THAT, I TOTALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE ISLE OF SOMEWHERE WHERE KILLYOU IS AND FIND THE _SOUL_ OF THE KING ATLANTIS CRAB. BUT I NEED A RIDE. IF I JUMP UP AND DOWN AND DO GIRLY THINGS WILL YOU COME WITH ME."

JACK PAUSED

"MAYBE."

JACK WASN'T LYING.


	8. THE JOURNEY A

SO BASICALLY IT WAS A FEW DAYS LATER ON A PRIVATE YACHT WHICH ACTUALLY BELONGED TO SETO KAIBA OVER 40 YEARS BEFOREHAND BUT IT WAS STILL IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE. BUT NO ONE KNEW THAT BECAUSE IT WAS A SECRET PLOT POINT.

IT HAD A 2001 DUEL ARENA INSIDE. JACK THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY COOL AND RETRO AND FASHIONABLE. IT SPOKE TO HIS GRANDAD CAP/BLACK SHADES SENSE OF STYLE. HE WAS VERY PLEASED.

CARLY ON THE OTHERHAND HAD REALISED THE REALITY OF THE REAL SITUATION OF THE REAL LIFE:

SHE AND JACK HAD MADE A SIGNIFICANT JOINT PURCHASE TOGETHER.

IT WAS LIKE BUYING YOUR FIRST HOUSE. THOUGH TECHNICALLY IT WAS A BOAT, AND TECHNICALLY IT WAS CROW'S MONEY, BUT THOSE THINGS DIDN'T MATTER. THAT'S JUST THE WAY LIFE GOES DOWN.

SHE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD CLARIFY THIS TO JACK BUT HE WAS STANDING ON THE BOW OF THE SHIP ENJOYING BEING COOL AND SHIT SO SHE D'AWWED AND WENT ON PLOTTING THEIR ROUTE TO "THE ISLE WHERE KILLYOU WAS" (THAT'S WHAT THE ISLE WAS CALLED SINCE KILLYOU WAS THE ONLY ONE ON IT AND PEOPLE HAD SAID "WOW- SOMEONE ACTUALLY WENT THERE, THEY MUST REALLY HAVE NO FRIENDS")

AFTER SHE WAS DONE, THE SUN WAS SETTING AND JACK STILL HAD NOT MOVED FROM THE BOW OF THE SHIP. IN FACT HE HAD BEEN STANDING THERE FOR 5 HOURS NOW.

"JACK, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE THE SEA. I LOVE THE SEA TOO. IT'S WHY MY OUTFIT IS KIND OF NAUGHTY I MEAN NAUTICAL. JACK?"

"CARLY." JACK SAID, VERY SERIOUSLY AS THE CAMERA PANNED AROUND TO HIS FACE

HIS FACE WHICH WAS FULL OF FEAR AND PRETEND BRAVERY.

"CARLY, I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED OF THE SEA"

WHAT A DILEMMA.


	9. THE JOURNEY B

"JACK WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE AFRAID OF WATER WE COULD HAVE GONE BY PLANE" CARLY SAID, CLIMBING UP TO THE BOW TO HELP JACK.

"AND WHAT THE WRONG WITH BIKES? WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE USED BIKES?" JACK SAID IN A RATHER HIGHER VOICE THAN USUAL.

"BIKES DON'T GO ON WATER. NOW COME DOWN FROM THERE" CARLY TUGGED HIS COOL JACKET BUT HE DIDN'T MOVE.

"NO THE SEA MONSTERS WILL EAT ME IF I MOVE." JACK SAID

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS- WHOA." CARLY ALMOST FELL OFF THE BOAT.

BEFORE THEM WAS A SEA OF MONSTERS, FIGHTING EACHOTHER ON THE SEA.

HOWEVER ON CLOSER INSPECTION THEY WERE ACTUALLY DUEL MONSTERS, AND THERE WERE TWO 50 YR OLD DUELISTS ON RAFTS ON EITHER SIDE HAVING AN EPIC BATTLE.

"JACK! THEY'RE PLAYING DUEL MONSTERS, IT'S OKAY! HEEEY!!! HEEEEEEEEEEYYY!" CARLY CALLED OUT TO THE OLD MEN

"P-PEOPLE! THERE'S PEOPLE!" THE FIRST ELDERLY DUELIST CRIED, INSTANTLY ENDING HIS BATTLE, TEARS FELL FROM HIS FACE.

"WHAT? AND I'M NOT A PERSON NOW? JEEZ" THE SECOND ELDERLY DUELIST SAID, FOLDING HIS ARMS.

"BUT THAT MEANS WE'RE NOT THE ONLY SURVIVORS, DON'T YOU SEE?" DUELIST ONE SAID, LIKE A SMALL CHILD.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN" SAID CARLY "WE'VE JUST COME FROM DOMINO CITY OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED NOW"

"O-ON LAND?" SAID DUELIST ONE

"LAND. YES, WE M-MUST GET BACK THERE." JACK SAID.

"YOU MEAN THERE'S... LAND!?" DUELIST ONE SAID

DUELIST TWO SUDDENLY LOOKED AS IF HIS PLANS HAD BEEN FOILED - PERHAPS HE KNEW ABOUT THE FACT THERE WAS LAND AND DIDN'T WANT DUELIST ONE TO KNOW. BUT WHY WAS THIS?

"YOU SAID THERE WAS NO LAND" DUELIST ONE SAID TO DUELIST TWO "WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME. WE'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS FUCKING CARD GAME FOR 40 YEARS BECAUSE I BELIEVED WE WERE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH"

"NOW NOW" CARLY INTERUPPTED "THERE'S NO ONE TO BLAME HERE, THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU THOUGHT RIGHT? YOU DIDN'T WANT TO STILL FALSE HOPE ON EACHOTHER."

"THAT'S A CRAZY SCENARIO. THE SECOND DUELIST IS UP TO SOMETHING." JACK SAID, SUDDENLY COHERENT BECAUSE THERE WAS A MYSTERY -- BUT CARLY SEIZED HER OPPORTUNITY AND DRAGGED HIM OFF GUARD FROM THE BOW AND INTO THE CABIN.

"YOU GUYS CAN COME TOO, WE'LL TAKE YOU BACK TO CIVILISATION." SHE SAID SUDDENLY REALISING JACK WAS HOLDING HER A BIT TOO TIGHTLY

DUELIST ONE AND TWO CAME ON BOARD AND JOINED THE PARTY (THEY PAUSED FOR THE JOIN MUSIC).

DUELIST TWO LOOKED AT JACK AND A NOW FLUSTERED CARLY AND THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY WOULD NOT REACH LAND AND HE WAS GOING TO MAKE SURE OF IT.


	10. THE JOURNEY MIGI

THE FIRST DAY AT SEA WAS UNEVENTFUL. JACK CONFINED HIMSELF TO THE LUXURIOUS INNER CABIN AND CARLY HAD TO DODGE BETWEEN LOOKING AFTER HIS MANFLU AND DRIVING THE SHIP. TO A NORMAL PERSON THIS WOULD'VE BEEN A BITCH, BUT SHE KIND OF HAD JACK WHERE SHE WANTED HIM AND SHE KNEW IT.

CARLY DECIDED TO KEEP A DIARY, SINCE THAT IS WHAT GOOD CAPTAINS DO.

_DAY 1_

_JACK BEQUEATHED TO ME ALL HIS JEWELLRY THIS MORNING. _

_HE WAS DICTATING A WILL (I WROTE IT DOWN OF COURSE) BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THAT. I'M SURE HE'S JUST SAYING IT FROM BEING DELERIOUS AND SCARED OF THE SEA. RIGHT? RIGHT. I DON'T THINK I COULD WEAR HIS JEWELLRY ANYWAY IT'S FAR TOO HEAVY. AND IT SAYS "A" OR "ATLAS" ON MOST OF IT. A FOR ATLAS. SEE, THAT'S HIS LAST NAME. MINE IS NAGISA. I MEAN THE ONLY WAY I COULD WEAR IT IS IF I CHANGED MY LAST NAME TO ATLAS SOM---_

_WHOA. NO. HE DOESN'T THINK THAT. HE'S NOT SAYING... SURELY... BUT HE HASN'T EVEN PROPOS- NO. THIS IS FOOLISH. I WON'T THINK ABOUT THIS. WAIT, I'M WRITING THIS DOWN. I'LL START AGAIN - BUT PAPER IS EXPENSIVE!!!_

_OUR TWO NEW COMPANIONS ARE RATHER STRANGE. I ALSO THINK THEY ARE A LOT OLDER THAN 50. I WANT TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE WORLD THEY KNEW WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, BUT THEY SEEM TO BE ARGUING THE WHOLE TIME. DUELIST ONE IS THE HAPPIER OF THE TWO, THOUGH HE STARES AT THE CLOUDS A LOT. _

_I SAW DUELIST TWO SNEAKING AROUND THE SHIP AT NIGHT, SO I FOLLOWED HIM. HE WAS TRYING TO LIGHT A FIRE BUT I TOLD HIM THAT A BOAT IS MADE OF WOOD AND THAT IS DANGEROUS. THEY MUST REALLY COME FROM PRIMITIVE TIMES._

_OOP! JACK IS HAVING ANOTHER FAKE SEASICKNESS. I BETTER GO. WE'RE 2 DAYS FROM OUR DESTINATION. _

_I THINK._

_CAPTAIN CARLY, STARDUST DRAGON DATE 483481 (THIS IS NOT ACCURATE)_


	11. THE JOURNEY HIDARI

_DAY 2_

_THIS IS CAPTAIN JACK._

_IN SPITE OF MY TERRIBLE ILLNESS, I, CAPTAIN JACK ATLAS, HAVE VENTURED OUT INTO THE CABIN AND STUMBLED ACROSS THE SHIP'S DIARY. I KIND OF SORT OF READ THE LAST ENTRY BUT COMPARING YOURSELF TO PREVIOUS CAPTAINS WILL ONLY CAUSE YOU TO EMULATE THEM, AND I AM UNIQUE. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME (JUST SO THAT IS CLEAR). I DID SEE THERE WAS SOME BABBLE ABOUT MARRIAGE, HOWEVER. I HOPE CARLY DIDN'T WRITE IT BECAUSE CARLY GETTING MARRIED WOULD MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED. _

_OR I GUESS DUELIST ONE MIGHT BE GOING TO MARRY DUELIST TWO. WELL, THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A VERY LONG TIME - THAT'S THE STAPLE FOR ANY SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE. AND GODDAMN I LIVE WITH YOUSAY AND BRUNO I RESPECT MALE UNIONS. JACK ATLAS IS ALL ABOUT THE PEOPLES RIGHTS AND THE BROSPECT. THAT'S WHAT A GOOD KING DOES, AND A GOOD CAPTAIN. I'M JACK ATLAS._

_SPEAKING OF WHICH, DUELIST TWO IS __**DEFINITELY**__ UP TO SOMETHING. HE KEEPS TRYING TO DESTROY THE BOAT WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING. IT ALSO SEEMS THAT HE HAS INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF BOATS BECAUSE HE'S OFTEN TELLING US HOW TO RUN THE SHIP. PERHAPS HE IS TRYING TO LIGHT A SUITABLE WEDDING CELEBRATORY FIRE? PERHAPS WE ARE BEING IGNORANT OF OUR GUEST'S WISHES. I MUST DISCUSS WHAT TO DO WITH CARLY. DESPITE HER SEAGULL-NATURE SHE IS QUITE WISE - LIKE AN OWL. THE BABY OF AN OWL AND A SEAGULL._

_IN OTHER NEWS, I MADE A WILL. I THINK EVERY CAPTAIN SHOULD DO THIS. THE SEA IS A DANGEROUS PLACE. I COULD DIE ANY MOMENT. I'VE LEFT MOST OF MY THINGS WITH CARLY, SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT. I MEAN ESPECIALLY WITH MY HANDMADE MAN-ADORNMENTS SUCH AS MY EARRINGS. I KNOW CROW'S WAITING FOR AN EXCUSE TO PIERCE HIS EARS AGAIN. HE'S SIMPLY WAITING FOR ME TO DIE. I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING. ADDITIONALLY, I REALISED I CAN'T GIVE YOUSAY MY BIKE LIKE I HAD ALWAYS PLANNED. OF COURSE HE WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT BUT NOW THAT BRUNO IS ON THE SCENE I DON'T WANT HIM NEAR IT. DEAD FISH GUY GIVES ME THE CREEPS. THE HEEBIES. CARLY WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO HAVE MY BIKE, TOO._

_DESTINATION? I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE. WE'RE ABOUT 500 DAYS FROM OUR DESTINATION, JUDGING BY THE FACT I DON'T SEE ANY LAND YET. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I WILL SURVIVE, BUT REST ASSURED CAPTAIN JACK ATLAS SHALL FIGHT THE SEA UNTIL HIS DYING DAY._

_RIGHT AFTER I LIE DOWN._

_CAPTAIN JACK ATLAS, RED DRAGON DATE 483482 (THIS IS ACCURATE)_


	12. THE JOURNEY C

_DAY 3_

_THIS IS DUELIST NUMBER TWO - NO WAIT DAMMIT THAT'S NOT MY NAME. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR READING THE LAST TWO ENTRIES. AND I DON'T WANT TO MARRY THAT GUY, GODDAMMIT. I WANTED TO DESTROY THE GODDAMN BOAT AND RETURN TO MY DUELS._

_I MEAN SERIOUSLY, I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO BURN THIS BOAT TO THE GROUND FOR __**TWO WHOLE DAYS**__. IT SEEMS MY PLANNING SKILLS ARE SOMEWHAT REDUCED BY AGE. ANYWAY INSTEAD I HAVE CAPTURED THE TWO WEIRDOS AND MY DUELING PARTNER IN THE HOLD AND PLAN TO RAM THE SHIP INTO AN ICEBERG. I THOUGHT THIS WAS A MUCH FASTER PLAN THAN JUST BURNING THE BOAT. MY LOGIC IS PERFECT._

_HOW DID I DO THIS YOU ASK? WELL IT WAS QUITE CLEVER. IT ALL BEGAN WITH FINDING THE DIARY. I QUICKLY OBSERVED THAT THESE TWO ARE IDIOTS WHO ARE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER AND DECIDED TO PLAY ON THEIR FEELINGS. IT'S A TEXTBOOK VILLAIN STRATEGY BUT HEY, IF YOU CRAP IN A UNIQUE MANNER, IT'S STILL CRAP IN THE END. MIGHT AS WELL JUST CRAP. OK._

_I TOLD THE GIRL THAT THE BOY (? NOT REALLY SURE. NICE COAT THOUGH) WANTED TO MARRY HER, SINCE HE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE BETWEEN VOMITING LATELY AND SHE TOTALLY SPACED OUT. THEN I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE MY DUELLING PARTNER TO BE THE VICAR, AND THAT THE WEDDING WOULD TAKE PLACE IN THE CABIN. THEN I TOTALLY TOLD THE BOY? THAT HE WAS GOING TO DIE IN 1 HOUR AND HE SHOULDN'T DIE ALONE SO SHOULD DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. SO ALL THREE WENT INSIDE AND I- _

_ACTUALLY... I JUST LOCKED THE DOOR AFTER THAT. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM IT WAS A GIANT TRAP OR LAUGHED EVILLY OR SOMETHING. THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED. I WONDER IF THEY'RE MARRIED._

_GODDAMN DID I JUST FAIL? OH WELL IT MATTERS NOT._

_DUELIST NO- OH FORGET IT, IT'S 3:22PM THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS._


	13. THE JOURNEY FINAL

I AM THE INCOHERENT NARRATOR AND I AM BACK AND STUFF.

SO CARLY THINKS JACK MIGHT BE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE TO HER BETWEEN VOMITING WHEN IN FACT HE IS TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE BETWEEN DUELIST 1 AND 2, AND JACK THINKS HE HAS ONE HOUR TO LIVE BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN THE SUPERSTITIOUS OLD MEN OF THE SEA.

TO JACKS SURPRISE, DUELIST NUMBER 1 AND CARLY ENTERED THE ROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND THEM OR THE DOOR SHUT BY ITSELF HE COULDN'T TELL.

JACK BEGAN "I HAVE AN HOUR TO LIVE."

"WH-WHAT" CARLY SAID "WHAT DO YOU MEAN AN HOUR!? OH MY GOD!"

"I'M SORRY I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU AS A MARRIED PERSON." HE INTERUPTED.

"WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO-" CARLY BEGAN TO CRY "OH JACK, YES! YES I WILL!" SHE BAWWED ONTO HIS ARM. "BUT I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU! BAWWWWWWWWW" JACK CLOSED HIS EYES AND LOOKED REGAL. DYING WAS A GOOD THING.

"IF IT HELPS" DUELIST NO 1 BEGAN, "I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE PEOPLE, I MEAN I HAVE LOST _**"PEOPLE"**_ - LITERALLY. ALL OF THEM. EXCEPT THAT GUY - I WAS STUCK WITH HIM FOR OVER 40 YEARS"

**"AND DON'T YOU EVER, **_**EVER**_** LET HIM GO!!!"** JACK SAID, GRABBING DUELIST NO 1'S ARM WITH HIS BEST MANLY GUTS FACE, CARLY STILL ATTACHED TO HIS TORSO.

"NO..." DUELIST NO 1 SAID "SERIOUSLY I DON'T THINK I WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN AFTER THIS. 40 YEARS MAN."

"WHAT!? BUT YOU CAN'T GET DIVORCED BEFORE YOU'RE MARRIED!" JACK CRIED

"OH." CARLY SAID, REALISING THE SITUATION. "OH I SEE." AND WENT TO THE CORNER TO FEEL EMBARRASSED. THE EMBARRASSED CORNER.

"MARRIED!? HE WANTS TO MARRY ME!? THAT'S UH- WOW WHAT?" DUELIST NO 1 WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. "THAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE DELERIOUS. SERIOUS DELERIOUSNESS."

"MAYBE... THAT'S WHY HE WAS TRYING TO BURN THE BOAT. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE HIM. IT MUST BE NICE HUH... HAVING SOMEONE THAT DEDICATED TO YOU..." CARLY SAID DEPRESSEDLY, STILL LOOKING AT THE WALL.

"BUT HE TOLD ME YOU TWO WERE THE ONES THAT-"

SUDDENLY DUELIST NO 1 WAS CUT OFF AS THE PHONE RANG.

"W-WE HAVE A _PHONE?_" DUELIST NO 1 WHISPERED IN DISBELIEF

"AND GPS." CARLY ADDED, BEFORE SNAPPING OUT OF HER EMBARRASSMENT AND JUMPING TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

"THEN WHY THE _HELL_ HAVE WE BEEN USING DIARIES AND COMPASSES!? I COULD'VE BEEN ON _LAND_ BY NOW"

DUELIST NO 1 WAS IGNORED AS CARLY PUT THE PHONE ON LOUDSPEAK AND JACK CONTINUED PREPARING FOR DEATH.

"HELLO?" CARLY SHOUTED "WHAT'S THAT? HELLO? HEY GUYS IT'S JUST SILENCE. HELLO? HELLO! HELLOOOO!"

"OH." SAID JACK, SITTING UP "IT'S YOUSAY. TALKING IS NOT HIS SPECIAL SKILL"

"OH HEEEEY YOUSAY, HOW IS EVERYTHING?" SILENCE "GOOD? OK NICE. WE'RE OKAY, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO-"

_**"DON'T BRING KILLYOU BACK, OR I WILL KILL YOU. X"**_

"YOUSAY YOU KNOW THAT X IS A KISS RIGHT? YOU DON'T JUST SAY X, IT'S A SOUND EFFECT." JACK RETORTED. "AND NO WE WON'T BRING BACK KILLYOU WE'RE GOING PURELY TO SOLVE CARLY'S MYSTERY. BY THE WAY I HAVE AN HOUR TO LIVE."

"HE DOESN'T LOOK WORRIED" SAID CROW, JUST LOUD ENOUGH TO BE HEARD. JACK THREW SOMETHING AGAINST THE WALL.

CARLY PUT DOWN THE PHONE AGAIN AND IT IMMEDIATELY RANG BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PHONES DO.

"HELLO? HEY, IT'S ME, KILLYOU. ON MY TRIP. DOING TRIP THINGS. I WAS JUST WONDERING... IS YOUSAY ON THAT SHIP? BECAUSE I CAN SEE THAT SHIP FROM MY ISLE WHERE I'M HAVING MY TRIP. AND YEAH, THE SHIP IS NEAR MY TRIP. SO I WAS WONDERING..."

FINALLY! JACK THOUGHT, SPRINGING TO LIFE. KILLYOU HAD BEEN CALLING THE BIKESHED TO TALK TO HIM ALL ALONG - THE YOUSAY PART DOESN'T MATTER, IT WAS IRRELEVANT. TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

"KILLYOU, IT IS ME, JACK ATLAS. I'M GOING TO DIE IN ONE HOUR"

"OH JACK, HEY! YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DYING."

"I'M JACK ATLAS."

"YES, YOU SAID…"

"AND I'M DYING IN ONE HOUR"

"OH. OK I GET IT WOW YES, THAT'S INCREDIBLE."

"ISN'T IT. NOW I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU ANYTHING IN MY WILL IT'LL JUST UPSET THINGS AT HOME. BUT SINCE I MAY BE DYING CLOSE TO YOUR TRIP I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SUPPLY THE BOAT SO IT CAN TAKE US ALL HOME AGAIN"

"YOU WANT TO SEND YOUR ROTTING BODY ON ANOTHER 3 DAY JOURNEY?"

"JACK ATLAS DOES NOT ROT. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

"OH! YOU'RE HERE."

AND THE BOAT COLLIDED WITH THE ISLAND.

"OH, I TOTALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS AN ICEBERG." SAID DUELIST NO. 2.


	14. THE CRAB SOUL

THE ISLAND WAS NOTHING SPECIAL. IT HAD A BEACH AND A WALLMART EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ELSE APART FROM KILLYOU LIVED OR WORKED ON THE ISLAND.

KILLYOU WASN'T LOOKING SO GOOD EITHER. JACK THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE THE BABY OF ROBINSON CRUSOE AND SEPHIROTH (WHO WAS NOW A MAJOR RELIGOUS FIGURE).

"THIS IS THE WORST ISLAND EVER." JACK STATED AS A GREETING.

"WHY ISN'T YOUSAY WITH YOU? DIDN'T HE GET MY FAXES?" KILLYOU RESPONDED.

"OH, THE FAX MACHINE IS BROKEN. YOUSAY WASN'T INTERESTED IN FIXING IT AS IT IS NOT A BIKE, OR TO DO WITH BIKES." JACK EXPLAINED, WATCHING CARLY CIRCLE AROUND HIM LOOKING AT THE SAND.

"OH, I SEE." KILLYOU SAID SADLY.

"SO YOU THINK WE CAN REALLY FIND THE SOUL OF THIS CRAB- I MEAN - DESCENDENT OF THE ATLANTEAN KING SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE?" CARLY SAID PEERING OUT FROM BEHIND JACK "WHERE IS THE CORPSE? OH I'M SO EXCITED"

"SHE'S NICE. YOU PICKED A NICE ONE JACK." KILLYOU SAID SARCASTICALLY AND GOT PUNCHED INTO A TREE.

"JACK!" CARLY SAID, OBLIVIOUS TO THE DEFENDING OF HER SOAP OPERA NAME "YOU SHOULDN'T PUNCH PEOPLE IT'S NOT VERY KING-LIKE"

WHILST JACK HAD HIS FITS OF SILENT RAGE ABOUT THE FACT THAT CARLY DID NOT NOTICE HIS CHIVALRY, DUELIST NO 1 AND 2 WERE ON THE BOAT STILL, LOOKING AT THE LAND.

"IT'S BEEN SO LONG, IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD I THINK, GOING ON LAND AGAIN" SAID DUELIST NO 1 "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET THAT CHANCE."

"YEAH, AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN IT." SAID DUELIST NO 2 "WHAT WAS WRONG WITH PLAYING DUEL MONSTERS ON THE SEA FOR ALL TIME? I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY EPIC. HEY- WE COULD ALWAYS GO BACK. WHO NEEDS LAND, RIGHT? WE HAVE OUR CARDGAMES." DUELIST NO 2 SAID IN HIS MOST LYING-CONVINCING VOICE WHICH WAS NOT VERY CONVINCING AT ALL ACTUALLY.

"NO. I'M SORRY DUEL PARTNER BUT I LIKE OTHER GAMES TOO. I HAD FUN THESE LAST 40 YEARS BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT FEELING YOU LIED TO ME AND TRAPPED ME THERE BECAUSE YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH DUEL MONSTERS AND I'M PARTICUARLY GOOD AT IT. THERE I SAID IT AND I DIDN'T LIKE SAYING IT BUT I SAID IT AND IT'S DONE."

"I GUESS THAT'S THAT THEN." DUELIST NO 2 SAID WITH NO INTENTION OF "THAT" BEING JUST "THAT". "WHAT'S OUR NAMES ANYWAY? I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING EXCEPT HOW TO PLAY DUEL MONSTERS." HE CONTINUED.

"I'VE NO IDEA. BUT IT'S A FEELING I'M USED TO. I THINK IN MY PAST LIFE I WAS ALWAYS FORGETTING MY NAME OR SOMETHING. I THINK I'M GOING TO START A NEW LIFE - I WILL CALL MYSELF BLACK MAGICIAN GIRL."

"Y-YOU CAN'T NAME YOURSELF AFTER A CARD YOU IDIOT - ESPECIALLY A GIRL ONE."

"NO? OH I GUESS I'LL GO FOR MY SECOND CHOICE: TED"

"WHATEVER."

WE MISS THEIR EPIC FIRST POST 40 YEARS STEPS ONTO LAND BECAUSE CARLY FOUND THE DEAD CRAB. IT REALLY DID LOOK LIKE YOUSAY.

"DID YOU HAVE TO SHARPIE THE THING WITH ABUSIVE COMMENTS?" JACK SAID TO KILLYOU "IT'S LIKE NO OTHER DESECRATION I'VE EVER SEEN." AND JACK HAD UNFORTUNATELY SEEN MANY A DESECRATION.

CARLY KNELT BY THE CARCASS AND BEGAN CALLING TO THE DESCENDENT OF THE ATLANTEAN KING "OH CRAB SPIRIT, PLEASE COME OUT AND TALK TO US, WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO TELL US"

JACK WATCHED OVER THE PROCEEDINGS. THAT'S WHAT KINGS DO.

"THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK" SAID KILLYOU

IT WORKED.

"KILLYOU, I THOUGHT WE WERE BFF'S HOW COULD YOU KILL ME EAT ME AND WRITE HORRIBLE THINGS ON MY CARCASS!?" SAID THE CRAB.

"I'M SORRY" KILLYOU BROKE DOWN "I JUST WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND SO MUCH AGAIN THAT I GOT ANGRY. I DO REALLY STUPID THINGS WHEN I'M ANGRY. LIKE JOIN EVIL GANGS AND TRY TO KILL EVERYONE AND BLOW UP CITIES. IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT JUST HAPPENS."

"NO SHIT." JACK SAID, BEFORE NOTICING CARLY WAS CLUTCHING HIS COAT, FULL OF TEARS AT THE BONDS OF FRIENDSHIP THAT WERE CLEARLY NOT HAPPENING IN FRONT OF THEM. JACK WAS SMOOTH, SO HE PUT A COMFORTING ARM AROUND HER. HE'S JACK ATLAS.

"I FORGIVE YOU KILLYOU" SAID THE CRAB.

"YOU DO!?" KILLYOU SAID, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HEAVENS OPENING.

"YES, I FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE I AM JUST A REGULAR CRAB. I HAD NO AMBITIONS IN LIFE BUT TO CRAWL SIDEWAYS, BUT NOW I HAVE A COOL STORY TO TELL IN CRAB HEAVEN. WE WILL ALWAYS BE BFF'S KILLYOU. ALWAYS!"

"WAIT, DON'T GO YET!" SAID CARLY "YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST A REGULAR CRAB? AREN'T YOU A DESCENDANT OF AN ATLANTEAN KING?"

"OH NO, I HEAR FROM THE OTHER CRABS THAT WOULD BE YOUSAY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR." SAID THE CRAB "DESCENDANTS OF THE KING ARE NOT SO FORGIVING AS REGULAR CRABS. IN FACT, IF YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO A DESCENDANT OF THE ATLANTEAN KING, HE WOULD PRETTY MUCH HATE YOU FOREVER."

KILLYOU BEGAN TO CRAFT A KNIFE TO KILL HIMSELF. NO ONE NOTICED EXCEPT TED WHO ASKED IF HE WANTED ANY HELP AND DUELIST NO 2 WHO ASKED IF HE COULD WATCH.

"THANK YOU MR CRAB" SAID CARLY, "HAVE A NICE AFTERLIFE!"

"WILL DO. TOODLES!" AND THE CRAB DISAPPEARED. JACK BURIED IT WITH A KICK OF THE SAND.

"WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOUSAY WAS DESCENDED FROM CRABS?" CARLY SAID.

"IT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE THAN YOU THINK. BUT WAIT, ATLANTIS? I THOUGHT OUR PROBLEMS WERE WITH THE AZTECS"

"WHAT ABOUT EGYPTIANS? DID EGYPTIANS LIKE CRABS?" TED SAID, NOT REALLY UNDERSTANDING HOW HE COULD REMEMBER EGYPT BUT NOT HIS NAME.

"UGH, GODDAMN THESE STUPID CIVILISATIONS"

JACK WAS NOW BORED BUT HE REALISED HE WAS ALONE ON A BEACH WITH CARLY. WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME DESPITE THE DEATH THAT SURROUNDED THEM. HE THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA THAT THEY RAPE WALLMART OF THEIR CHAIRS AND PLASTIC CUTLERLY AND - TEA. YES, PERHAPS HE AND CARLY COULD NOW DRINK TEA TOGETHER LIKE HE'D ALWAYS DREAMED. MYSTERIES WITHOUT. HE TURNED TO CARLY WHO WAS STILL HOLDING ONTO HIM FROM THE DRAMA AND DID HIS BEST CHARISMATIC FACE.

"CARLY."

"Y-YES, JACK?" CARLY SAID, RED FACED. IT WAS TERRIBLY ROMANTIC.

"CARLY, I-"

AND JACK FELL TO THE GROUND.

IT HAD BEEN EXACTLY ONE HOUR.

"WHOA, DID NOT SEE THAT COMING." SAID DUELIST NO 2.


	15. THE QUESTION

THE BIKESHED, 3 DAYS LATER.

"THAT WAS CLOSE, JACK." CARLY SAID, POURING TEA AT THE WORKTABLE WHERE JACK WAS SITTING. "I REALLY THOUGHT THE LIES OF DUELIST NO 2-"

"OH, HIS NAME IS NOW WILLIAM." TED INTERUPTED, TAKING A CUP FROM CARLY AND ALSO SITTING DOWN.

"I REALLY THOUGHT THE LIES OF WILLIAM HAD ACTUALLY COME TRUE AND YOU'D DIED." CARLY FINISHED, REMEMBERING SHE'D FORGOTTEN TO BRING A CUP FOR HERSELF. JACK FROWNED - THEY REALLY WOULD NEVER GET TO DRINK TEA TOGETHER. HE SIGHED AND GAVE HER THE ANSWER TO HER RIDICULOUS QUESTION.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CARLY. I _AM_ DEAD. I'VE BEEN DEAD FOR THREE DAYS NOW, AND - MIGHT I ADD" HE ADDED, SQUINTING AT KILLYOU "I DID NOT ROT."

"QUIT WITH THE I TOLD YOU SO'S ALREADY." KILLYOU SAID, AS HE DARTED AROUND YOUSAY, ATTEMPTING TO CATCH HIS EYE, BUT YOUSAY WAS GLARING AT JACK. HE WAS GLARING AT JACK WITH THE GLARE OF A THOUSAND VICTIMS OF BROKEN PROMISES.

"YOUSAY PLEASE STOP GLARING. I AM DEAD, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO." JACK LAMENTED.

"BUT JACK I'M VERY CONFUSED. YOU'RE BREATHING, YOU'RE DRINKING TEA. YOU'RE NOT DEAD TO ME AT ALL." CARLY SAID, SITTING DOWN AND TAKING HIS HAND. SHE WAS ACTUALLY CHECKING FOR A PULSE BUT IT LOOKED VERY ROMANTIC.

"THAT'S... THAT'S CONSIDERATE, CARLY." JACK SAID, SUDDENLY NERVOUS FROM HER FORWARDNESS. "BUT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH. IF JACK ALTAS SAYS SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. AND IT HAS HAPPENED SO, I'M DEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. IT'S COMPLETELY POSSIBLE THAT I AM STILL MOVING_YOUSAY WOULD YOU QUIT GLARING ALREADY IT'S NOT GOING TO FIX THINGS._"

"ACTUALLY NO, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." CARLY FOLDED HER ARMS, VERY CONFUSED. JACK DEFINITELY HAD A PULSE.

SUDDENLY CROW STORMED INTO THE ROOM WAVING A PIECE OF PAPER "JACK. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT."

"WHAT'S THAT?" BRUNO SAID, TAKING THE PAPER "OH, IT IS JACK'S WILL?"

"WHAT'S THE DEAL OF YOU LEAVING ME TO SETTLE ALL OF YOUR DEBTS. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO OWES *ME* MONEY."

"I'M REALLY NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN." JACK SAID "YOU'RE PAYING YOURSELF BACK - SURELY THIS IS THE MOST COST EFFECTIVE WAY."

IF CROWS HAIR COULD GET ANY MORE BRISTLY, IT DID JUST THAT.

KILLYOU WAS GETTING FRUSTRATED. HE HAD SPENT TWO DAYS CAMPING OUTSIDE THE BIKESHED ONLY TO BE ACCIDENTALLY LET IN BY WILLIAM (ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T REALLY AN ACCIDENT WILLIAM JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN) AND NOW YOUSAY WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. HE WAS STARTING TO GET THE SLIGHT IMPRESSION THAT WHAT THE CRAB SAID WAS TRUE - THEY WOULD NEVER BE TEAM SATISFACTION AGAIN.

HE WAS ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT BRUNO - I MEAN HE WAS A NICE GUY BUT THE FACT THAT HE HAD NO SHINE IN HIS EYES OR MEMORIES LED HIM TO BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD FALL VICTIM TO THE CURSE OF HAVING BLUE HAIR AND ROYALLY SCREW YOUSAY OVER SOMETIME IN A FUTURE PLOT. YOUSAY WAS LIKE A BLUE CRACK ADDICT THAT HAD TO BE STOPPED.

_"KILL BRUNO. BREAK THE CYCLE."_ WILLIAM SAID, UNDERSTANDING COMPLETELY THE SITUATION BECAUSE HE WAS THAT BORED.

"I CAN'T, I'M TRYING TO CHANGE MY PSYCHO LAUGHING WAYS" SAID KILLYOU "IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY TO PERSUADE YOUSAY TO LET ME BACK INTO THE TEAM. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO."

"HUH? I'M NOT REASONING WITH YOU, I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE SOLUTION. WHAT AM I, YOU'RE FRIEND? JEEZ." SAID WILLIAM, WALKING BACK TOWARDS THE SOFA. FOR AN OLD MAN, HE WAS A HUGE DICK.

KILLYOU SAT ON THE WORKBENCH. IT WAS THE SAME BENCH HE USED TO SIT WITH YOUSAY, CROW AND JACK ALL THOSE YEARS AGO (IT ACTUALLY WASN'T IT WAS ONLY MADE LAST YEAR BUT LET THE MAN BELIEVE).

HE KNEW WHAT HAD TO BE DONE.


	16. THE DRAMA

"KILLYOU'S GONE ON A TRIP?" TED EXCLAIMED. HE HADN'T EVEN FINISHED HIS TEA AND ALREADY THE SITUATION HAD CHANGED.

"YEAH. HE DIDN'T SAY WHY OR WHERE." CROW SAID. HE JUST LEFT WITH A DUFFLE BAG THAT I SWEAR TO GOD HE NEVER HAD ON HIM WHEN HE CAME IN HERE.

CROW FROWNED FURTHER, AND FURTHER CONTINUED : "I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH HIS OBSESSION WITH YOUSAY - HE LOOKS LIKE A CRAB AND HE CAN'T EVEN HOLD A CONVERSATION. HOW COME I DON'T HAVE PEOPLE WANTING TO BE MY FRIEND ALL THE TIME?"

"MAYBE BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A BLOODY BROOM? I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND MANY FRIENDS IN THE STORE CUPBOARD." JACK SMIRKED AND CARLY HAD TO HIDE A LAUGH. BECAUSE IT IS CHILDISH AND FUNNY.

"BLOODY" HUH? DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT THE PICTURES OF KANGAROO'S, JACK." CROW COOLY RESPONDED.

"THEY ARE TERRIFYING CREATURES AND YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING." JACK SAID AS HE LOOKED AWAY INDIGNANTLY.

"OH WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THAT THEN." SAID WILLIAM IN THE CORNER, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT "THAT" WAS NEVER "THAT".

_"I KIND OF MISS HIM"_ BRUNO SAID. AND EVERYONE CAME TO A HALT.

ESPECIALLY YOUSAY BECAUSE HIS SCREWDRIVER WAS IN MID-SCREW AND THAT'S JUST _UNCOMFORTABLE._

BRUNO LOOKED EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE AS THEY AWAITED AN EXPLANATION.

"LISTEN," SAID BRUNO, CAUTIOUSLY. "IT'S TOUGH BEING THE BLUE HAIRED ONE. YOU EVER SEE A CHARACTER FROM A SHOW WITH BLUE HAIR THAT GOT A GOOD DEAL? LIKE BUGGY FROM ONE PIECE. ALL I'M SAYING IS, IT WAS NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE AROUND WHO Y'KNOW, COULD RELATE TO HAVING BLUE HAIR. EVEN IF IT WAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHADE."

THERE WAS A HORRIBLE SILENCE.

"SO IT'S THE ONE PIECE TCG NOW?" CROW SAID, VISIBLY OFFENDED. "THERE ISN'T EVEN A COLLECTING ASPECT TO THAT SHOW!"

"AND IT TAKES PLACE ON THE _**SEA.**_" JACK ADDED, SUDDENLY LOOKING QUITE PALE. CARLY PATTED HIS HAND.

"SO WHAT, ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO BE KILLYOU'S SPECIAL BIKER FRIEND AND NOT YOUSAY'S NOW?" TED SAID, AGAST.

"NO! NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL-" SAID BRUNO BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. YOUSAY HAD RUN INTO THE OTHER ROOM AGAIN AND LOCKED THE DOOR.

"HEY HEY, WHOA, I'M STILL THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION, RIGHT?" JACK SAID AS EVERYONE SCOOTED TOWARDS THE DOOR. "CARLY... YOU TOO!?"

"OH JACK I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND, THEY MIGHT NEED A WOMAN'S TOUCH TO RESOLVE THIS KIND OF EMOTIONAL THING."

"BUT I NEED A WOMAN'S TOUCH TOO…" JACK SAID, BUT IT WASN'T LOUD ENOUGH. HE SIGHED AND CONTINUED TO SIP HIS TEA.

WILLIAM SAT DOWN NEXT TO JACK AND TOOK TED'S TEA BECAUSE IT WASN'T A NICE THING TO DO.

"MUST SUCK TO BE IGNORED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND - IS THIS BLUE EYES TEA?"

"DON'T TELL ME THE FUTURE AGAIN STRANGE SEAMAN I'VE DIED ONCE ALREADY - AND YES IT IS. YOU SEEM TO BE A MAN OF FINE TASTE." JACK SAID, STILL HURT RINGING IN HIS VOICE FROM BEING ABANDONED BY HIS NEW ENTOURAGE.

"WELL I THOUGHT THAT WAS OBVIOUS." THE DISHEVELLED OLD MAN WITH CLOTHES MADE OF POTATO SACKS KNOWN AS WILLIAM SAID AND SIPPED THE TEA MORE. IT APPEARED HE HAD REMEMBERED AT LEAST ONE THING.


	17. THE YOUTUBE VIDEO

EVERYONE AGREED IT HAD BEEN TOO LONG OF A DAY FOR ANY MORE DRAMA. SO THEY HID THE KNIVES IN THE KITCHEN, AND LEFT YOUSAY TO HIS MANLY PROBLEMS.

TED AND WILLIAM HAD BEEN MADE TEMPORARY MEMBERS OF THE TEAM AND WERE ALLOWED TO SLEEP ON THE WORKBENCHES.

MORE PROOF THAT THE YOUNG PEOPLE DO NOT GIVE A FLYING CRAP ABOUT THE ELDERLY IN THIS SERIES.

JACK, BEING DEAD, HAD TOLD EVERYONE HE COULD NO LONGER SLEEP SO CARLY TOOK HIM FOR COFFEE SOMEWHERE - BUT NOT BEFORE JACK PUNCHED BRUNO INTO A COMA BECAUSE HE'S JACK ATLAS. WE'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO THEM LATER.

ALL WAS QUIET AND ALL WAS PEACEFUL AND, JUST AS THE CLOCK STRUCK 12...

...YOUSAY EMERGED FROM THE ROOM.

HE HAD AN EXPRESSION OF DETERMINATION ON HIS FACE BUT IT DIDN'T LOOK MUCH DIFFERENT FROM HIS REGULAR EXPRESSION.

HE CREEPED (WELL WALKED NORMALLY) DOWN THE HALLWAY. PAST THE SLEEPING ELDERLY, PAST CROW ASLEEP IN THE BROOMCUPBOARD (CROW THOUGHT HE MIGHT AS WELL TRY IT ONCE) AND RELUCTANTLY PAST BRUNO IN A COMA. HE CREPT TO THE DOOR AND OUT OF IT.

AND HE WAS GONE.

MEANWHILE, IN THE COFFEE PLACE, JACK AND CARLY WERE TALKING MYSTERIES AGAIN.

"HOW IS YOUR BLACK MAGICIAN ESPRESSO." JACK ENQUIRED, TRYING NOT TO TALK MYSTERIES.

"IT'S BLACK." SAID CARLY.

JACK WAS UNIMPRESSED.

"AND WARM." SHE ADDED QUICKLY AND GOT OUT HER LAPTOP AND OTHER REPORTER THINGS. "SO ANYWAY I NEED TO SUMMARISE WHAT HAPPENED OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS."

"CAN'T WE JUST DRINK OUR COFFEE." JACK SAID, SHRINKING A BIT INTO THE CHAIR AND STARING AT HIS QUAD SHOT MILLENIUM PUZZLE AMERICANO WHICH WOULD SURELY KILL HIM IF HE WERE NOT ALREADY DEAD. "YOU CAN DO THAT TOMORROW - PREFERABLY WHEN I'M NOT AROUND."

"JACK, I PROMISE ONCE I FINISH THIS I AM YOURS FOREVER. I JUST HAVE TO-"

WHOA CHILD. WAS IT REALLY THAT LATE THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS SAYING ANYMORE? SHE BEGAN TO FLUSTER.

"FINE." JACK SAID QUICKLY BEFORE SHE COULD RETRACT HER WORDS "I'M _DEAD_, THE CRAB WAS A _LIE,_ YOUSAY IS THE _CAKE_ AND THE BOAT GOT TURNED INTO A _BIKE._"

SOMEWHERE IN THE CAFE A MAID HAD SLIT HER WRISTS BECAUSE SHE HAD FOOLISHLY COMPARED HER BOYFRIEND TO JACK.

"THE BOAT GOT TURNED INTO A BIKE!?" CARLY SAID, SNAPPING OUT OF HER BLUSHERAMA.

"THE FIRST DAY WE GOT BACK. DIDN'T YOU NOTICE?"

ACTUALLY CARLY DIDN'T. SHE WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO PERSUADE JACK THAT HE WAS NOT DEAD, AND EVEN IF HE WAS DEAD AND OBVIOUSLY STILL BREATHING, HE DIDN'T HAVE TO LAY IN A COMA POSITION AND PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP. IT TOOK 2 HOURS BUT HE FINALLY DECIDED THE DEAD COULD WALK ALL ON HIS OWN. SHE WAS SO PREOCCUPIED WITH HIM THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE ANYTHING ELSE.

"I... I SUPPOSE THAT'S THAT THEN." SHE SAID TYPING IT INTO HER LIVEJOURNAL. SURELY IMPLYING THAT IT "THAT" NEVER ACTUALLY MEANS "THAT".

"PERFECT. AND NOW THAT'S DONE, YOU ARE MINE FOREVER" JACK SAID SNARKILY AS IF HE'D JUST WON CANDY FROM A SMALL CHILD IN A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME ON HIGH-SPEED MOTORCYCLES.

CARLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. JACK HAD BEEN GIVING HER SO MANY MIXED SIGNALS LATELY - WHAT WITH THE MARRIAGE CRAP AND THE INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING. SHE WOULD TOTALLY GIVE HERSELF TO JACK BUT HE WAS BEING SO AMBIGUOUS. WHAT IF HE WAS JUST LEADING HER ON? WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO TAKE THE REJECTION? SURELY IT WAS BETTER JUST HANGING OUT LIKE THIS, BUT…

"JACK, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING...?"

JACK HAD HAD ENOUGH OF THIS OWL SHIT. WAS SHE GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER EXCUSE NOT TO SIMPLY ENJOY HIS PRESENCE? NOT GONNA HAPPEN. HE GRABBED HER ARMS AND BEGAN THE MOST EPIC SPEECH OF HIS CAREER YET.

**"CARLY, I MAY BE A DEAD MAN BUT HOW CAN I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ALL I WANT TO DO IS-"**

**"KILLYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!"**

THEY LOOKED UP AND OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SAW THAT YOUSAY HAD JUMPED OFF THE BUILDING

"OH SHIT, NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN." JACK FROWNED AS YOUSAY CRASHED THROUGH THE WINDOW, LANDED ON THE TABLE PERFECTLY, LOOKED AROUND AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED TOWARDS THE LIFT TO CLIMB UP TO WHEREVER HE FELL FROM AGAIN.

"WHAT'S HE DOING!?" SAID CARLY.

"SAME THING EVERY TIME HE GETS OBSESSED WITH BLUE-HAIRED PEOPLE. WE FILMED IT LAST YEAR AND PUT IT ON NICOVIDEO, IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY." SAID JACK "YEAH. FUNNY AS HELL."

"THIS IS AWFUL! WHAT STOPPED HIM DOING IT!??" CARLY SAID BECAUSE SHE HAD ALREADY LOOKED UP THE SPECIFIC VIDEO ON YOUTUBE. "ACTUALLY THIS IS PRETTY FUNNY."

"WELL HE FOUND KILLYOU AND DUELED HIM INTO SUBMISSION." THEN HE WAS OK - WELL UNTIL _BRUNO_ CAME ALONG. THEN THIS WHOLE VICIOUS CYCLE STARTED AGAIN."

THERE WAS A SPARKLE IN CARLY'S EYE AND A STONE IN JACK'S STOMACH. HE KNEW WHAT HAD TO BE DONE.


	18. THE HORMONES

"SO WHAT YOU'RE BASICALLY SAYING IS THAT YOU WANT ME TO FLASH MY BOOBS IN FRONT OF YOUSAY TO STOP HIM FROM REPEATING THE SAME JUMP-OFF-A-BUILDING-TO-FIND-KILLYOU-AND-DUEL-HIM-INTO SUBMISSION BEHAVIOUR." AKI SAID, SIPPING HER BLACK ROSE TEA.

"YES." SAID JACK. "IN FACT THOSE WERE MY VERY WORDS."

CARLY FELT UNCOMFORTABLE. AFTER JACK HAD EXPLAINED WHAT THEY DID LAST TIME TO HELP YOUSAY, SHE THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO GO ON A QUEST TO FIND KILLYOU AGAIN - MAYBE BUY ANOTHER BOAT WITH CROW'S MONEY. BUT INSTEAD HE LED HER HERE, TO AKI'S APARTMENT. IT WAS A STRANGE APARTMENT, DECORATED IN SHADES OF RED - OR BURGUNDY - WHATEVER COLOUR THAT IS.

"IN A NORMAL SITUATION THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM." SAID AKI - "I MEAN I'M AROUND THE BIKESHED MOST OF THE TIME DOING THAT _ANYWAY._ WELL... I WAS UNTIL _**HE**_ CAME ALONG." SHE SHIFTED ON HER SEAT AND LOOKED INDIGNANT AND SAID "AND NOW I HATE YOUSAY WITH THE HATE OF A THOUSAND BROKEN PROMISES. SO NO, I WON'T HELP YOU HELP HIM."

"TOLD YOU THEY HAD A FIGHT" JACK SAID UNDER HIS BREATH TO CARLY, TOTALLY DOING THE LEANING DOWN AND TALKING USING THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH THING. CARLY NODDED EMPHATICALLY BECAUSE NOW A SIMPLE REQUEST HAD TURNED INTO A MYSTERY.

"I MEAN WHAT IS IT WITH HIM AND BLUE-HAIRED GUYS ANYWAY? ISN'T RED A GOOD ENOUGH COLOR? I MEAN HIS BIKE IS RED. HIS BIKE! BUT NO, AS SOON AS THE NEXT BLUE-HAIRED THING WALKS IN I'M YESTERDAYS NEWS." THE TEACUPS BEGAN TO RATTLE ON THEIR OWN "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH RED."

"I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO SAY SHE'S THE BIKE... OR SOMETHING." CARLY WHISPERED. JACK NODDED.

"I'VE GOT MAGICAL POWERS, DAMMIT. SEE THIS STUPID TRADING CARD RIGHT HERE? I CAN MAKE IT COME **ALIVE."** SHE SAID.

"YES. YES YOU CAN." SAID JACK, WHO HAD NOW GOTTEN UP AND WAS PUSHING CARLY TOWARDS THE DOOR. "I TOTALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE ISN'T JUMPING ON YOU."

"I KNOW RIGHT!?" WAILED AKI "THIS IS ALL I BLOODY NEED, A MAN WHO SAVES MY LIFE, STEALS MY HEART AND THEN KICKS ME TO THE CURB. MY LIFE IS A FRIKKIN JOKE."

"HOPE THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU." JACK SAID, ALMOST OUT OF THE DOOR. "WE'RE GOING NOW, TALK TO YOU LATER."

"TELL YOUSAY SHERRY CALLED ME." AKI SHOUTED AFTER THEM.

THEY LEFT THE APARTMENT BUILDING AND CARLY WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WENT AKI LEANED OUT OF HER WINDOW AND SHOUTED "AND YOU KNOW WHAT? **I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID HELLO TO HER**." WITH THAT SHE SLAMMED THE WINDOW SHUT BUT THEY COULD STILL HEAR _"GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU YOUSAY"_ FROM INSIDE.

"I THINK... THAT WAS A FAILED PLAN" SAID CARLY

"IT'S A GOOD THING I'M DEAD OR ELSE I WOULD SAY I JUST WASTED 10 MINUTES OF MY LIFE." SAID JACK "BUT I HAVE A NEW PLAN. I LEFT YOUSAY OUT OF MY WILL SO THIS IS THE LEAST I CAN DO"

"OH. THEN WHO DID YOU GIVE YOUR BIKE TO?" SAID CARLY

"YOU OF COURSE. WHO ELSE?" JACK SAID, CHOOSING NOT TO EXPLAIN WHY HE HAD TO LEAVE CARLY HIS BIKE. HE EXPLAINED THAT IN THE DIARY ENTRY 5 CHAPTERS AGO WHY DID HE NEED TO REPEAT IT?

"OH." CARLY BLUSHED "OH." AND FOLLOWED JACK.


	19. THE DILEMMA

JACK'S NEW PLAN WAS A TERRIBLE PLAN, BUT IT MANAGED TO SUCCEED.

YOUSAY SILENTY JUMPED FROM THE TOP OF THE BARS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CAGE IN A CRAB-LIKE MOTION. EVERY NOW AND AGAIN HE WOULD SCREAM "KILLYOUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WENT INTO THE CAGE AFTER WE PUT A BLUE WIG IN THERE." CARLY SAID. "JACK YOU REALLY ARE SOMETHING ELSE."

"WELL, I STILL THINK AKI'S BOOBS WOULD HAVE WORKED." JACK SAID, HATING THAT HE HAD TO MAKE EFFORT TO FIND A CAGE AND A WIG.

YOUSAY STOPPED AND STOOD IN THE CAGE STARING AT THEM, AS IF TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING BUT ACTUALLY HE WAS SAYING NOTHING AT ALL.

"SEE?" JACK POINTED "WHY DO YOU THINK HE PUT THE "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" SIGN UP AT THE BIKESHED?"

"WOW." SAID CARLY, REALISING THAT YOUSAY WAS MORE SCREWED UP THAN SHE REALISED, AND THAT JACK PAID MORE ATTENTION TO HIS FRIENDS THAN SHE REALISED. "YOU PAY MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR FRIENDS THAN I REALISED." SHE SAID.

"I'M JACK ATLAS. LET'S GO HAVE SOME TEA." JACK SAID, FINALLY REMEMBERING WHAT THE HELL THIS WHOLE ENTIRE ESCAPADE WAS ABOUT.

"S-SURE. " CARLY SAID. PERHAPS NOW SHE COULD POP THE QUESTION- I MEAN ASK HIM WHY HE WAS GIVING SO MANY SIGNALS LATELY. "BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUSAY, ARE WE JUST GOING TO LEAVE HIM HERE?"

"UH, YEAH THAT WAS THE PLAN." JACK SAID, TURNING ON HIS HEEL. "HE'LL HAVE CALMED DOWN ONCE THE POLICE HAVE FOUND HIM AND ELECTROCUTED HIM AGAIN."

"OH. OKAY, WELL YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KNOWS HIM BETTER THAN ME." CARLY SAID, FOLLOWING.

AS THEY LEFT, YOUSAY FLIPPED THEM OFF.

THEY WALKED THROUGH THE DARK STREETS, IT WAS LIKE 3AM OR SOMETHING. CARLY DOUBTED THEY WOULD FIND A TEASHOP OPEN BUT JACK PROBABLY KNEW A PLACE. HELL, JACK USED TO BE THE KING. HE PROBABLY COULD GET A PLACE TO OPEN. BEING JACK ATLAS AND ALL.

AFTER A WHILE THE SILENCE BECAME UNCOMFORTABLE, EVEN THOUGH JACK WAS COMFORTABLE WITH THE SILENCE. THEY HAD A HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP. ANYWAY, JACK DECIDED TO SAY SOMETHING HE KNEW HE WOULD REGRET.

"SO, WHAT-"

"OH, WELL, ACCORDING TO MY FINDINGS, APPARENTLY EONS AGO THE ATLANTEANS PISSED OF THE AZTECS." CARLY SAID, NOTICING THAT THERE WERE MANY LIGHTS IN THE CITY AT NIGHT. LOTS OF THEM.

"NOT SURPRISED. THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T APPRECIATE THEIR RIDICULOUS LAND ART."

"AND NOW THAT YOUSAY HAS BEEN BORN WITH AZTEC POWERS EVEN THOUGH HE'S DESCENDED FROM AN ATLANTEAN KING... THE GODS ARE RATHER PISSED OFF. AND UNLESS WE KILL YOUSAY THE WORLD IS GOING TO END" CARLY SAID WITH INNOCENCE.

"OH, RIGHT." SAID JACK AND THEN FELL OVER.

"WHAT!? KILL YOUSAY?" HE SAID IN A HIGHER VOICE THAN USUAL.

"KILL YOUSAY." SHE REPEATED.

"NOT KILLYOU SAY? OR KILLYOUSAY?"

"NO." CARLY SAID. "WE HAVE TO KILL YOUSAY."

DEN DEN DUR.


	20. THE HOUDINI

WHEN THEY RETURNED TO THE CAGE, IT WAS EMPTY. WELL, IT WAS DESTROYED TO BE MORE ACCURATE THAN JUST THE FACT THAT YOUSAY WASN'T IN IT.

"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN, WE WERE ONLY GONE FOR EXACTLY 60 SECONDS" SAID JACK.

"S-SO YOU REALLY AGREE TO DO THIS, JACK? I MEAN IT'S STILL JUST ALL SPECULATION REALLY, AND I WAS KIND OF JOKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE ***HAVE*** TO KILL YOUSAY. I MEAN THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY. I COULD DO MORE RESEARCH."

"CARLY." SAID JACK, FOLDING HIS ARMS IN A MANLY COOL BIKER WAY. "DEATH IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE AFRAID OF. JACK ATLAS HAS CONQUERED IT."

"BUT JACK I SERIOUSLY DON'T THINK YOU ARE-"

"YOUSAY WILL UNDERSTAND. BESIDES..." HE LOOKED EVEN MORE SERIOUS "IT'S HARDER TO SCREW A DEAD PERSON."

"WH-WHAT!?" SAID CARLY BUT JACK CHOSE AGAINST EXPLAINING THAT HE MEANT THAT YOUSAY WAS ALWAYS GETTING THE BAD DEAL IN LIFE AND NOT ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE THAT IS WORDS AND WORDS ARE EFFORT.

"W-WELL. EVEN SO" CARLY SAID, TRYING ANOTHER ROUTE "I MEAN, YOU'RE ALWAYS THE ANTI HERO OR THE BAD GUY AROUND HERE JACK. ARE YOU OKAY WITH EVERYONE KNOWING YOU KILLED YOUSAY? HEY, WAIT, ARE WE THE BAD GUYS RIGHT NOW FOR EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?"

"THIS WAS A PRETTY TOUGH CAGE. HE WOULD HAVE NEEDED HELP." JACK SAID, HOLDING HIS FOOT BECAUSE HE HAD KICKED A PIECE OF STEEL AND IT SENT PAIN MESSAGES TO HIS BRAIN.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTEN- OH YES JACK YOU'RE RIGHT. I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED."

---

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

YOUSAY WAS IN THE CAGE, FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF, WHEN A HAND ENTERED THE CAGE. IT WAS HOLDING A CARD. YOUSAY GRABBED IT BECAUSE IT WAS A CARD WITH A DRAGON ON IT AND HE LIKED DRAGONS VERY MUCH. THEN THE DRAGON CAME OUT OF THE CARD AND BROKE THE CAGE ONCE IT BECAME TOO BIG TO FIT IN IT. IT WAS PRETTY EPIC.

"YOUSAY." SAID AKI.

"AKI." SAID YOUSAY.

AND THE RODE AWAY TO THE BIKESHED.

"COOL STORY" SAID CROW AS HE SWEPT THE FLOOR AGAIN, HOPING TO GOD HE WOULD NOT FIND A POSTCARD. "BUT WHY WOULD JACK PUT YOU IN A CAGE? IS HE A BAD GUY AGAIN NOW?"

"APPARENTLY." SAID AKI "HE STOPPED BY MY APARTMENT WITH CARLY, WHO I FIND QUITE ADORABLE BUT NOT IN A LESBIAN KIND OF WAY, ASKING SUSPICIOUS QUESTIONS. SO I PUT ASIDE MY GIRLISH FEELINGS AS I KNEW YOUSAY MUST HAVE BEEN IN SOME DANGER. BY THE WAY WAS THAT A "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" SIGN OUT FRONT?"

NO ONE ANSWERED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS A GIRL. TED NOTICED THAT WILLIAM WAS MISSING. THAT USUALLY DIDN'T MEAN VERY GOOD THINGS.

"WILLIAM IS MISSING!" SAID TED.

NO ONE ANSWERED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS OLD.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS YOUSAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" SAID BRUNO, WHO HAD JUST RECOVERED FROM HIS COMA, AND KNOWING FULL WELL YOUSAY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

YOUSAY STOOD UP AND PUT ON HIS DUEL DISK AND WAS ABOUT TO SAY "DUEL ME" WHEN CARLY AND JACK BURST THROUGH THE DOOR.

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM YOUSAY HE DOESN'T MEAN IT." CARLY BEGAN BEFORE JACK BOOMED:

**"I'M HERE TO KILL YOUSAY."**

"I KNEW IT." SAID AKI AND GOT UP TO DUEL, BUT YOUSAY STOPPED HER. THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS ABOUT TO LET A KICKASS GIRL MAKE THEIR MANLY FIGHT LOOK LIKE A RIDICULOUS CHILDREN'S CARD GAME WITH HER SUPER POWERS.

"IT'S OKAY BEING DEAD YOUSAY. TRUST ME, I'M JACK ATLAS. THINK OF IT AS BEING EQUAL TO ME."

CARLY FAINTED FROM THE SHEER NONLOGIC. AKI CAUGHT HER. GIRLS NEED TO STICK TOGETHER, ESPECIALLY IGNORED ONES.

"NOW WHERE IS THAT OLD SUPERSTITIOUS MAN OF THE SEA, WE JUST NEED HIM TO CURSE YOU LIKE HE DID TO ME AND YOU'LL BE BACK UP AND DEAD IN NO TIME." JACK SAID.

"HE'S _MISSING!_ THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TRYING TO _TELL _YOU" TED LAMENTED EVEN THOUGH HE HAD ONLY SAID IT ONCE BEFORE.

"DAMMIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP DISAPPEARING?" JACK SAID, PUNCHING BRUNO INTO A COMA.


	21. THE INTERNET

IT MAY OR NOT HAVE BEEN RELEVANT BUT THE CHILDREN HAVE NOT BEEN MENTIONED AS OF YET. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY WERE ON A TRIP.

ALSO THEY WOULD BE FEELING VERY IGNORED, JUST LIKE TED AND AKI.

"IT'S OKAY, CARLY," SAID AKI, WHO WAS HOLDING A JUST-WOKEN-UP CARLY "SEE, I'M IGNORED ALL THE TIME. IT'S BEST IN TIMES LIKE THESE TO JUST TAKE UP A CHEERLEADER POSITION."

"JACK DOESN'T IGNORE ME!" SAID CARLY, HE JUST LISTENS TO ME IN A DIFFERENT WAY IN THAT HE DOESN'T HEAR THE WORDS THAT COME OUT OF MY- YEAH HE IGNORES ME. BUT NOT ALL THE TIME IS WHAT I'M SAYING."

"LISTEN TO ME CARLY," SAID AKI, TOO PREOCUPIED WITH HERSELF TO LISTEN TO CARLY "WITH GUYS LIKE THESE IT'S BEST IF YOU JUST TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET, OKAY? JUST TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET. BECAUSE WHEN IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD. BUT WHEN IT'S BAD, YOU WILL HIT _THE DRINK_. THERE'S NO OKAY IN LIFE. TRUST ME, I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS AND EVEN THAT DOESN'T HELP."

AND WITH THAT AKI WENT TO CHEER YOUSAY ON (EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T DOING ANYTHING) IN THE HOPE THAT HE WOULD SPEND SOME TIME WITH HER TOMORROW.

"BUT I CAN'T LET JACK KILL YOUSAY." SAID CARLY. "I KNOW! IF I FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND ALL OF THIS NO ONE NEEDS TO DIE."

AND WITH THAT THOUGHT CARLY WENT TO WAKE UP THE ONLY INTELLIGENT PERSON IN THE ROOM WITH MAD GOOGLE SKILLS : BRUNO.

"GUYS" SAID CROW "YOU LOOK REALLY COOL AND EVERYTHING STANDING THERE WITH YOUR DUEL DISKS OUT READY TO THROW DOWN A FACE DOWN AND EVERYTHING, BUT COULD YOU HURRY IT UP I _REALLY_ NEED TO SWEEP IN HERE." CROW WAS SERIOUS ABOUT HIS SPECIAL SKILL.

"FINE" SAID JACK, WHO KNEW THE IMPORTANCE OF A CLEAN HOME AND PRISTINE APPEARANCE. "I AM GOING TO FIND THE OLD SEAMAN, AND YOUSAY, YOU BETTER BE HERE WHEN I RETURN. COME ON CARLY."

BUT CARLY WAS ALREADY ON THE INTERNET WITH BRUNO.

"N-NOT CARLY TOO." SAID JACK, CRESTFALLEN. "IS NO ONE SAFE FROM THIS GUY? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO PUNCH HIM?"

YOUSAY SAT ON THE WORKBENCH, OBVIOUSLY TOO SADDENED BY THE FACT THAT BRUNO HAD FOUND A NEW FRIEND TO STAY STANDING UP (THOUGH YOU COULDN'T TELL BY LOOKING AT HIM). LUCKILY AKI HAD BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT AND OFFERED A COMFORTING HAND - OR ANY OTHER PART OF HER BODY HE MIGHT REQUIRE.

I'M GOING TO PUNCH HIM AGAIN, JACK THOUGHT AS HE WALKED TOWARDS BRUNO ON THE COMPUTER. NO ONE STEALS MY GOOGLE OWL.

"I'VE GOT IT!" BRUNO SUDDENLY EXCLAIMED, NEARLY GIVING JACK A HEART ATTACK.

"IT SEEMS THE BEEF WAS WITH THE ATLANTEANS. THE AZTECS DON'T REALLY CARE. I FOUND THE FORUM WHERE THEY ARGUED ABOUT IT."

"THEY HAD THE INTERNET BACK THEN?" AKI SAID, ASTONISHED.

"THE INTERNET HAS ALWAYS EXISTED, GOOGLE JUST HAS YET TO CACHE ALL OF IT." CARLY EXPLAINED.

"OH." AKI REPLIED, AND WENT BACK TO BEING HAPPY BECAUSE YOUSAY WAS IN THE FETAL POSITION ON HER LAP. TO BE HONEST THOUGH IT WAS NOW LIKE 4AM SO NO ONE COULD TELL IF HE WAS IN REAL PAIN AND ANGUISH OR IF THAT WAS JUST THE WAY HE SLEPT.

"ANYWAY" SAID BRUNO "I ALSO FOUND OUT THERE WAS AN INCIDENT WELL OVER 50 YEARS AGO WHERE SOME GREEN HAIRED DUDE AND A BUNCH OF BIKERS TRIED TO RESURRECT ATLANTEAN POWERS OR SOMETHING. KAIBA CORP WAS INVOLVED THERE'S A PIXIV BLOG BY SETO KAIBA ABOUT IT."

"GET TO THE POINT" SAID JACK, WHO WAS HOLDING HIS FIST MID-AIR.

"WELL, THAT JUST PROVES THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO CONTACT THE ATLANTEAN _GODS._ WE JUST NEED TO FIND OUT HOW TO CONTACT ONE AND SHOW THEM WHAT A GREAT, SWELL, AWESOME AND PURE GUY YOUSAY IS."

AS BRUNO SAID THIS YOUSAY WAS SUDDENLY SITTING NEXT TO HIM ON THE BENCH. "YOU MEAN THAT?" SAID YOUSAY.

"OF COURSE I MEAN IT." SAID BRUNO IN A VERY INNOCENT WAY "I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, YOUSAY. DYING IS A TERRIBLE THING!"

"IT'S NOT SO BAD. I CAN STILL DRINK TEA." SAID JACK, OFFENDED THAT BRUNO THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF DEATH WHEN OBVIOUSLY IT WAS WORKING OUT FINE FOR HIM.

ON THE OTHER BENCH AKI HAD BROKEN CROW'S SPARE BRUSH HEAD. CROW GULPED.

"THEN, LET'S FIND AN ATLANTEAN GOD." SAID CARLY. YOUSAY NODDED VIGOROUSLY.

"THERE WON'T BE ANY NEED FOR THAT." A FAMILIAR VOICE SAID, THE DOOR OPENING, REVEALING THE VERY EARLY MORNING LIGHT INTO THE BIKESHED.


	22. THE TRUTH

IN THE DOORWAY STOOD **THE CRAB.**

"GREETINGS." SAID THE CRAB.

EVERYONE STOOD STILL FOR A MOMENT. MANY DID NOT KNOW WHO THE CRAB WAS SO THIS WAS REALLY FREAKIN WEIRD FOR THEM I GUESS.

"M-MR. CRAB! B-B-BUT YOU _**DIED!**_ WE _**BURIED**_ YOU!" CARLY GASPED.

"HELLO?" SAID JACK, GLARING AT CARLY AND MOTIONING TO HIS OWN BODY. CARLY WAS IN TOO MUCH SHOCK TO NOTICE THE FREE MONEY SHOT HE JUST OFFERED HER.

"WELL" SAID THE CRAB, CRAWLING TOWARDS THEM. "AFTER I WENT TO CRAB HEAVEN, I REALISED YOU COULD BE RIGHT. WHAT IF I'M NOT JUST AN ORDINARY CRAB WITH NO AMBITIONS? IN FACT, I MAY NOT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM AT ALL! WHAT IF I HAD JUST FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING? SO I RETURNED TO EARTH AND POSESSED THE BODY OF THE YOUNG CRAB YOU SEE BEFORE YOU. WE LOOK VERY ALIKE. ANYWAY, TOGETHER WE TRAVELLED ACROSS THE ISLAND LOOKING FOR MY LOST MEMORIES. AND I FOUND THEM."

"AND...?" CARLY SAID, EVERYONE LOOKING ON WIDE-EYED LIKE CHILDREN.

"I AM IN FACT," SAID THE CRAB **"AN ATLANTEAN GOD."**

"OH WOW, FOR SOME REASON I AM TOTALLY FAMILIAR WITH YOUR DILEMMA." SAID TED, COMPLETELY RUINING THE IMPACT. HE THEN WENT BACK TO READING THE PREVIEWS FOR TOMORROW'S SOAP OPERAS.

"WELL THIS IS AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK!" SAID BRUNO, "BUT HOW DID YOU GET HERE?"

"WELL I HAD A BIT OF HELP." SAID THE CRAB AND BEHOLD, KILLYOU SHEEPISHLY ENTERED BEHIND HIM. "LUCKILY WE RAN INTO EACHOTHER ON THE ISLAND. AFTER PLAYING A CARD GAME, I FILLED HIM IN ON THE DETAILS ABOUT JACK AND CARLY'S VISIT."

"YEAH" STARTED KILLYOU "I HEARD YOUSAY WAS IN DANGER SO - OH HEY YOUSAY."

"WHEN YOU GO ON A TRIP YOU SHOULDN'T GO TO THE SAME PLACE TWICE. X." SAID YOUSAY AND TURNED BACK TO THE COMPUTER. KILLYOU LOOKED AT HIS FEET AND LOOKED SAD.

"SO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?" SAID CROW "CAN WE FINISH THIS WHOLE MESS SO I CAN CLEAN?"

"YES" SAID THE CRAB "AND I'M AFRAID I GAVE YOU THE WRONG INFORMATION."

THE CRAB FOUND AKI'S LEG AND STARTED WALKING UP IT TO GET A BETTER VIEW OF HIS AUDIENCE. STRANGELY SHE DIDN'T MIND. HE COUGHED BEFORE BEGINNING:

"FORTUNATELY, YOUSAY IS DESCENDED FROM JUST A REGULAR CRAB WHO WAS RATHER GOOD AT FIXING THINGS. IN A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE THE DESCENDANT BORN OF ATLANTEAN AND AZTEC BLOOD IS THE CRAB THAT I POSESSED, BECAME FRIENDS WITH, BONDED WITH IN ORDER TO RETREIVE MY MEMORIES."

"THIS IS _REALLY_ WEIRD. I'M TOTALLY GETTING SOME KIND OF DEJA VU HERE. I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE BUT IT DEFINITELY MIGHT BE A FAMILIAR SITUATION TO THAT." SAID TED. "IT'S A SHAME I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING EITHER."

"IT'S AN ANCIENT CIVILISATION THING." SAID THE CRAB. "YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND UNLESS IT HAPPENED TO YOU."

"HUH, PROBABLY WATCHED IT ON TV OR SOMETHING." SAID TED, READING THE SPORTS PAGES.

"SO WE DON'T NEED TO KILL YOUSAY!" SAID BRUNO "THAT'S GREAT! BUT... DOESN'T THAT MEAN YOU HAVE TO KILL THE NEW FRIEND CRAB?"

"OH. ABOUT THAT. YEAH. I'VE DEALT WITH THAT." SAID THE GOD CRAB, AND IF A CRAB COULD AWKWARDLY LOOK SIDEWAYS LIKE HE WALKED, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO.

"YOU... YOU KILLED HIM ALREADY AND TOOK HIS BODY." SAID AKI "THAT'S... WOW. YOU'RE A_ MURDERER._"

"OH DON'T PUT IT LIKE _THAT_. I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE! I HAVE **AMBITIONS** NOW." SAID THE CRAB. "MYSELF AND KILLYOU ARE GOING TO TEAM UP AND START A RESTAURANT. HE WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD HAD I TOLD HIM."

"THAT'S RIGHT" SAID KILLYOU, AVOIDING YOUSAY'S GLARE OF A THOUSAND BROKEN PROMISES. "IT'S GOING TO BE THE HAPPIEST RESTAURANT EVER."

"AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT IF YOU'RE DEAD, RIGHT?" LAUGHED THE CRAB AND KILLYOU JOINED IN THE LAUGHING. YOUSAY CONTINUED GLARING.

"YES YOU CAN!" SAID JACK, FINALLY PULLING THE PROVERBIAL LAST STRAW "YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING THE SAME WHEN YOU'RE DEAD! I'M JACK ATLAS!"

"OH, YES, JACK" SAID THE CRAB "I ALSO CAME TO TELL YOU YOU'RE NOT DEAD."

"WHA..." SAID JACK "BUT I SAW MYSELF DIE WITH MY OWN EYES! IF I'M NOT DEAD... AND I'M NOT ALIVE..." HE SUDDENLY CLUTCHED CARLY CLOSE YET KEPT HIS COOL EXPRESSION "I'M READY FOR THE NEWS - WHAT HAPPENED TO ME MR. CRAB"

"NO, NO YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG-" SAID THE CRAB.

SUDDENLY THE GROUND BEGAN TO TREMBLE.

"WHAT NOW!?" SAID AKI, HOPING SHE COULD FALL INTO YOUSAY'S ARMS BUT HE WAS TYPING AN EMAIL FURIOUSLY.

"THAT WOULD BE THE MAN WHO LIED TO YOU, JACK." SAID THE CRAB.


	23. THE FINAL BATTLE

SO THEY ALL RAN OUTSIDE ONLY TO SEE WILLIAM LEANING OUT OF A GIGANTIC TANK.

"TED MUST DUEL ME IN A FINAL DUEL TO END ALL DUELS AND IF I WIN, WE BOTH RETURN TO THE SEA AND PLAY CARD GAMES FOREVER. BUT IF I LOSE, THEN TED CAN STAY AND I'LL JUST _TAKE OVER THIS CITY WITH MY SPARE TIME INSTEAD._" WILLIAM SPOUTED, BEFORE ANYONE COULD SAY WHAT THE HELL.

"WHAT IS THIS LATELY, SPECIAL FRIEND WARS!?" CROW CRIED

"TANK." SAID YOUSAY, FROWNING. HE DIDN'T LIKE THEM.

"AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE OVER THIS CITY?" JACK SAID IN HIS BEST COOL VOICE. "YOU'RE JUST AN OLD MAN, WILLIAM! AN OLD MAN!"

"WAIT" SAID THE CRAB. "I HAVE HEARD TALES OF THIS OLD MAN, AND THE OTHER OLD MAN. THE TWO OLD MEN - WHATEVER. THE SEA HAS BEEN TRYING TO BE RID OF THEM AND THEIR ANNOYING CONSTANT BATTLING FOR 40 YEARS BUT IT HASN'T WORKED. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE VERY SEA ITSELF HERE."

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING" SAID JACK "THAT THE SEA CAN'T BEAT UP TWO OLD MEN? THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR OF THE SEA?"

"NO" SAID THE CRAB "I THINK THAT THIS OLD MAN MAY ACTUALLY BE UNSTOPPABLE."

"TED? YOU'RE LOSING THE DUEL." JACK SAID EMPHATICALLY.

TED WAS AGAST "B-BUT I JUST FOUND CIVILISATION AGAIN AFTER 40 YEARS. I'M AN _OLD MAN._ MY LIFE HAS BEEN _WASTED._ HAVEN'T I_ SUFFERED ENOUGH?_ CAN YOU AT LEAST _TRY_ AND SOLVE THIS WITHOUT ME SPENDING THE _REST OF MY SAD DAYS AT SEA PLAYING CARD GAMES?"_

"SHUT UP YOU'RE LOSING THE GODDAMN DUEL."

TED BEGAN TO CRY.

"OH JACK, COME ON. HE HAS A POINT." CARLY SAID, NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL NOT SORRY FOR THE OLD MAN. "THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY."

ALWAYS WITH THE "ANOTHER WAY". WHY COULDN'T SHE DO THINGS THE JACK ATLAS WAY? THOUGHT JACK, THINKING THAT CARLY LOOKED LIKE THE BABY OF A PUPPY AND AN OWL, WHICH WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF DISTURBING. HE GAVE UP.

"FINE." SAID JACK FOLDING HIS ARMS "HAVE IT _ANOTHER_ WAY."

"DON'T WORRY TED" SAID CARLY "WE WON'T SEND YOU BACK TO SEA, UNLESS THERE REALLY IS NO OTHER WAY OF COURSE."

"WHOA, HEY, HOLD UP. SINCE WHEN IS JACK THE LEADER?" SAID CROW "AND WHO SAYS WE CAN'T DEFEAT THIS STUPID OLD MAN, WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED!"

"SO YOU'RE BASICALLY SAYING WE KILL THEM BOTH?" SAID THE CRAB "I'M DOWN WITH THAT."

"YOU'RE SUCH A MURDERER OH MY GOD." SAID AKI.

"OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NOBODY WANTS THEM BACK ON THE SEA. IT'S THE LAND'S TURN" SAID THE CRAB, RUNNING TOWARDS THE TANK AND STANDING IN FRONT OF IT "QUIT THIS RIDICULOUS LINE OF THINKING, WILLIAM. I'VE KILLED BEFORE AND BY GOD I'LL DO IT AGAIN!"

"BE VERY CAREFUL, MR CRAB!" SHOUTED KILLYOU. BUT HE WASN'T WORRIED. MR CRAB WAS AN ATLANTEAN GOD, AFTER ALL.

"STOP THIS! STOP EVERYTHING" SCREAMED TED "WILLIAM, WHY DO YOU WANT TO PLAY CARD GAMES WITH ME? WHAT POSSIBLE REASON IS THERE FOR THIS INSANITY APART FROM ACTUAL INSANITY?"

"AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I LIKED BEING ABLE TO BULLY AND CONTROL YOU." SAID WILLIAM "BUT I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE CARD GAMES ON TV THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS AND I REALISED THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DEFEAT 3 TIMES IN A ROW. CARD GAMES ARE MY LIFE, TED,_ AND YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY THEM WITH ME FOR THE REST OF IT."_

"OKAY!! THEN LET'S LIVE TOGETHER SOMEWHERE. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE SEA! IT CAN BE RIGHT HERE IN THE CITY! AND WE CAN STILL PLAY CARD GAMES EVERY DAY - I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO WATCH MY SOAP OPERAS, THAT'S ALL. I'LL EVEN COOK!"

"Y-YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?" SAID WILLIAM "WE CAN STILL PLAY CARD GAMES FOREVER? YOU WON'T ABANDON ME FOR REAL ACTUAL FRIENDSHIPS?"

"UNTIL WE DIE" SAID TED "UNTIL WE DIE" SAID TED AGAIN FOR EFFECT, GRIPPING HIS TV GUIDE TIGHTLY.

"THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND I AM NOT CRYING" SAID JACK, SHEDDING A SINGLE MANLY TEAR BUT STILL KEEPING HIS SERIOUS COOL FACE BECAUSE HE'S JACK ATLAS. CARLY PATTED HIS ARM.

"WHADDYA SAY, WILLIAM?" SAID TED, REACHING OUT HIS FRAIL BONY HAND.

WILLIAM, WHILST MODERATELY TOUCHED BY TED'S DISPLAY, ALSO DECIDED HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO TAKE OVER THIS CITY WHILST TED WATCHED HIS SOAP OPERAS.

"TED, YOU... OKAY!" SAID WILLIAM, LEANING FORWARD AND ACCIDENTALLY HITTING THE FORWARD BUTTON, CRUSHING MR. CRAB WHO HAD BEEN STANDING IN FRONT OF IT NOT BEING CAREFUL.

"N..."

**"NOOOOOOOOOO!"** SCREAMED KILLYOU, RUNNING TOWARDS THE TRAGEDY.

"ER, WHOOPS" SAID WILLIAM, BACKING UP.

"MR CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB" CRIED KILLYOU, PICKING UP THE BROKEN PIECES OF SHELL AND MEAT AND SMUSHING THEM AGAINST HIS FACE. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THIS ISN'T HAP-PEN-NINNNNGGGAUUGGHH HUHUHUBAWWWWWWWWWWWW"

YOUSAY PUT HIS ARM AROUND KILLYOU. AS MUCH AS HIS FEELINGS HAD OR HAD NOT CHANGED FOR HIM, HE COULD NOT BEAR TO SEE HIS KIND OF EX MAYBE NOT WHO KNOWS SPECIAL FRIEND SO UPSET. KILLYOU BURIED HIS HEAD, ALONG WITH MR CRAB'S MUSHY REMAINS, INTO YOUSAY'S CHEST AND BAWWED LIKE A CHILD. IT WAS RATHER DISGUSTING BUT AKI SECRETLY FOUND IT OKAY.

SHE FOUND IT OKAY.


	24. THE TEATIME ROMANCE

PEOPLE DO NOT USUALLY GO OUT FOR TEA AT 8AM, BUT AFTER A SPENDING THE REST OF THE NIGHT CONSOLING KILLYOU, FINDING TED AND WILLIAM AN APARTMENT ON THE EAST SIDE, AND HELPING CROW CLEAN UP THE BIKESHED, IT WAS ALL THAT CARLY AND JACK HAD LEFT TO DO (ACCORDING TO JACK THAT IS, CARLY THOUGHT SLEEPING MIGHT BE A BETTER IDEA BUT APPARENTLY IT WASN'T).

"WHAT A WEEK IT'S BEEN..." SAID CARLY, AFTER A WHILE

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SUMMARISE YOUR FINDINGS AGAIN ARE YOU?" SAID JACK "I THOUGHT IT WAS AGREED THAT WE WERE JUST GOING TO DRINK OUR TEA."

"OH, OH YES THAT'S RIGHT. BUT IT HAS BEEN QUITE A WEEK..." SHE TRAILED OFF INTO SILENCE. AS THE TWO OF THEM SAT IN THE SILENT SILENCE, CARLY FELT NERVOUS. WHAT EXACTLY WAS GOING ON HERE? JACK WAS EITHER BEING VERY BOLD OR NOT BEING VERY BOLD. AND SHE KIND OF GOT THE FEELING THIS "JUST DRINKING TEA" LARK ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING MORE. SHE HAD TO ASK.

"JACK, I-" SHE BEGAN

"AH." SAID JACK, HIS MOUTH DROPPING OPEN.

"EH? IS SOMETHING WRONG?" SAID CARLY

"TH-THAT CRAB GUY... HE NEVER TOLD ME IF I WAS ALIVE OR NOT" JACK SAID "AND NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW."

"W-WELL THERE ARE MANY WAYS OF TELLING WHETHER YOU ARE ALIVE OR NOT" SAID CARLY, SHEEPISHLY, HOPING SHE WASN'T IMPLYING ANYTHING SEXUAL OR RUDE WHEN IN FACT SHE TOTALLY WAS.

"CARLY." HE SAID VERY SERIOUSLY, TURNING TO HER "WHAT IF I'M A ZOMBIE."

TURN-OFF. "A Z-ZOMBIE. I DON'T THINK I LIKE THAT IDEA AT ALL." SAID CARLY, FROWNING.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" SAID JACK, SUDDENLY VERY CONCERNED "YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME IF I WAS A ZOMBIE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?"

"D-DON'T BE RIDICULOUS JACK." _I WANT TO BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT_, SHE THOUGHT - BUT WAS TOO AFRAID TO SAY. ALSO, DID HER "BE WITH HIM" MEAN THE SAME AS HIS "BE WITH HIM"?

"I DON'T THINK I CAN BEAR NOT KNOWING. I'M JACK ATLAS. I SHOULD KNOW IF I'M A ZOMBIE OR NOT." SAID JACK, LOOKING VERY ANNOYED BUT CARLY THOUGHT IT WAS SORT OF HOT.

THEY WERE SILENT FOR A WHILE

"WHAT DID YOU MEAN…" SAID JACK "…WHEN YOU SAID THERE WERE WAYS OF TELLING WHETHER I WAS ALIVE OR NOT. WHAT WAYS ARE THERE?"

"U-UM." CARLY SAID, BLUSHING FURIOUSLY "I JUST MEANT THERE ARE THINGS THAT ONLY PEOPLE THAT ARE ALIVE CAN DO OR FEEL. LIKE HEAT, COLD, HUNGER... AND THINGS LIKE THAT"

"I SEE. THAT MAKES SENSE." SAID JACK, NOTICING THAT CARLY WAS ALL FLUSTERED ABOUT SOMETHING.

CARLY'S OWL-LIKE CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF HER. SHE COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE WHEN SUDDENLY A HAND APPEARED IN HER LINE OF VISION, TURNING HER HEAD INTO THE KISS. THE KISS TO END ALL KISSES. IT WAS BOLD, DRAMATIC, UNSKILLED, ROMANTIC - I THINK THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME VIOLINS PLAYING SOME RISING MUSIC OR SOMETHING, AND -

"AWW. THAT'S SO SWEET." SAID TED, SILENCING THE MUSIC.

"TOLD YOU THEY WERE IN LOVE." SAID WILLIAM "WHY'D YOU THINK IT WAS SO EASY TO TRAP YOU ALL ON THE BOAT? AH, THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES."

"YEAH, WELL, IT'S STILL SWEET." SAID TED. HE GAZED INTO THIN AIR FOR A MOMENT "I SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ONCE."

"YOU WERE? BET IT WAS A WHORE." SAID WILLIAM, SMIRKING "AND SOMEONE _WAY_ TALLER THAN YOU WITH _BROWN HAIR._ THAT'S SO YOUR _TYPE_"

"YEAH I SEEM TO REMEMBER SOMEONE LIKE THAT." SAID TED "I THINK SHE WENT TO MY SCHOOL."

"WE CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW." SAID CARLY, FROWNING, THE MOOD COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY THE PRESENCE OF THE OLD MEN AT A NEARBY TABLE. SHE COULD TASTE BLUE EYES TEA ON HER LIPS.

"HEH, THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THIS PLACE, _JACK_." SAID WILLIAM EVILLY "_LOVING_ THE BLUE EYES TEA."

JACK CURSED HIM WITH THE CURSE OF A THOUSAND BROKEN PROMISES BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN TO THE AWKWARD SILENCE.

"W-WELL, DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE... STILL ALIVE?" SAID CARLY, WHO ACTUALLY FELT LIKE DYING HERSELF.

"I GUESS SO." SAID JACK, WHO WAS ACTUALLY BLUSHING, BUT JUST A BIT - HE STILL LOOKED PISSED OFF.

CARLY WANTED TO ASK MORE. SHE WANTED TO ASK IF HE JUST KISSED HER AS A TEST TO SEE IF HE WAS A ZOMBIE, OR IF THIS WAS THE ACTUAL START OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP OR WHATEVER. BUT SHE DIDN'T. SHE HAD A FEELING THERE WOULD BE FURTHER OPPORTUNITIES IN THE FUTURE.

AND WITH THAT, THEY SAT AND FINALLY DRANK THEIR TEA. AND CARLY KIND OF UNDERSTOOD WHAT JACK WANTED.

ELSEWHERE, TWO MAIDS HAD COMMITTED SUICIDE BECAUSE THEIR BOYFRIENDS WERE NOT AS COOL AS JACK.


	25. THE EPILOGUE

EPILOGUE

_"DEAR YOUSAY, THE OTHERS, THAT OTHER ONE._

_I KNOW YOU SAID I SHOULDN'T CONTACT YOU AGAIN BUT I AM DOING SO. MY TRIP IS GOING WELL - AND I DID NOT GO TO THE SAME PLACE._

_I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK. PERHAPS IF I GET ANY MORE SINISTER URGES I WILL._

_TELL AKI I'M SORRY I GOT SOME OF MR. CRAB'S REMAINS ON HER SHOES ALTHOUGH SHE REALLY DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND._

_- KILLYOU xxx"_

AKI FINISHED READING THE POSTCARD AND GAVE IT TO YOUSAY. "HUH, IT WAS ONLY DEAD CRAB" SAID AKI "I CLEANED IT OFF EASILY AS SOON AS I GOT HOME. I DID." WHICH WASN'T THE TRUTH AS SHE SORT OF LEFT IT ON THERE FOR A WHILE AND WENT TO SLEEP WATCHING IT.

"OH HEY, YOUSAY, WHY DON'T YOU SPEND THE DAY WITH AKI." SAID BRUNO, TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE. "I UH, KIND OF HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR." HE RUBBED THE BACK OF HIS HEAD "APPARENTLY I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SO MANY COMA'S IN ONE WEEK. IT MAY HAVE RUINED MY MEMORIES COMPLETELY."

YOUSAY NODDED AND GAVE THE POSTCARD TO CROW. AKI DID A MENTAL DANCE OF UTTER JOY. WHEN IT WAS GOOD, IT WAS GOOD.

"KILLYOU ISN'T SO BAD." SAID CROW, PRETENDING HE COULD READ THE POSTCARD "JUST A BIT SCREWED UP. BUT AREN'T WE ALL? PERHAPS WE SHOULD LET HIM BACK INTO THE TEAM ONE DAY. AFTER HIS TRIP."

YOUSAY AND AKI LOOKED AT CROW WEIRDLY FOR WHAT SEEMED FOREVER AND THEN YOUSAY TOOK THE POSTCARD AND WROTE:

_"RETURN TO SENDER. x"_


End file.
